Non-update, update. Back to school time is a crazy time in my house, this year more than most, so I haven't had much downtime to get on.
I am still living in limbo. I am still not pursuing and acting like I'm just living my life for me and my kids. I did get off track a bit with doing things for me, but I am getting back on track! It's just a matter of finding that balance again.
We got into one argument about a month ago, and I kept my cool and didn't get taken in by his usual tactics and I think it threw him off. He tried his usual one-upmanship techniques and I didn't bow down to them. He said to me that he knew I hadn't really changed (Which to me, says that I have and that he's noticed. Cool. Doing it for me, not you buddy) Then he realized the mistake that caused the fight was actually his. He also threw in that the apt from the first quarter of the year was still available to him.
Christmas was brought up today and I broached gifts because he wanted to buy the kids the gift they want the most (When I'm the one that sleuthed it out) He said they'd be from both of us and why wouldn't we. I said I didn't know if he'd be here. He said that if he was or wasn't he'd hoped he could still be here for xmas. (Not sure how I feel about that). He said it was a conversation for another time. So I suggested later this week when the kids aren't home and he agreed.
I was cool as a cucumber on the outside, but my fitness tracker says my heartrate was 105. I'm scared now. I don't know how to handle the conversation. I don't want to pursue, but I am interested in making the relationship work. I need help. I need advice. I need guidance. I don't want to mess up the progress I've made and the person I'm becoming. I want to stay strong. I need chapters to read or mantras or anything really. I know I haven't been here lately, but I'm still hoping someone can help.
