I am in a really good place at the moment. The fierce anger cleansed me of the sadness/depression surrounding my situation and I feel like I have moved steadily in the direction of compassion towards myself, my children and H. I feel very detached in a solid way right now and I am so grateful for this. I haven't cried in almost two weeks and that is a huge development for me.
H had the kids this weekend for the first time in three weeks. The kids struggled to go, but once they were there it went just fine. I had a chance to go to the mountains before the snow starts and did some amazing fall hiking with my mom. It was magical and nature is always the best healer.
Here is where I am struggling and I would love perspective and advice: I have been warm and compassionate towards H this past week or so and I haven't let anything he does or says impact my interactions with him. I am able to validate and truly treat him as I would a friendly neighbor. However, he is very inconsistent. One minute he is kind and the next he is shark-eyed and can't make eye contact and tries to blame me for minuscule things.
Although I am feeling detached and can let a lot of this roll off my back, it is exhausting and extremely hard for me to be around him. I have the tiniest toehold into my own healing and rebuilding my self-worth and I am desperate to maintain that toehold.
Our eldest has a birthday coming up and wants a big (Covid 'big', mind you) party at my house. It will include the families in our bubble, who have been a huge support to me and my children in this whole process. H wants to come. I don't want him to. I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself with my friends while my kids get to be with their friends. I don't want to risk having interactions with H where I will feel hurt, triggered or sensitive. So far, we are 2 for 2 with the kids' birthday events leading to a negative interaction between us.
I can't remember the last birthday of eldest child's that H was actually here. So it is really not a big deal to my child whether H is there or not. They would have time together earlier in the day.
So, I guess my question is this: should I set aside my needs to accommodate his feelings/desire to be included? I feel like this is what I have done all along and I am not sure I am better off for it. But on the flip side, I would be devastated to not be included in something like this if the roles were reversed. However, I would have never chosen to leave in the first place, so there is an element of 'he chose this'.
