How am I going to do this? Should I do this?

[may22]

Hi Mar,

(((Mar)))

I second everything Yail said... we all need to get where we are going at our own pace for it to be authentic. You're in the hardest spot right now.

I might recommend thinking of some strategies to keep yourself from engaging with your W in pressuring ways (calling her, R talks, etc.). Valeska had a post a bit ago on your thread with some really great suggestions, like having a back-pocket "sorry, I have plans" excuse when your W asks you to participate in something wlfe-like together. I remember when my H was on a business trip in AP's city a year ago or so, and I would be just watching the phone to see if he called and itching so badly to call him... I made a list of all the things I would do instead. Call a friend, order takeout, watch a movie with my kids. Schedule a massage. Something that could take my mind off of H just for long enough that I could get past that momentary impulse to contact him. Even now when I have the urge to go yell at him or ask him where his head is these days, instead I find something else to do, run a bath, read a book, go out and work on my garden. (Sometimes. But I'm getting better at this.)

One thing that I resisted for a long time was realizing just how terribly my H was treating me, how selfish and manipulative he was being. I wonder if you are also a little in that place. I feel a lot of sadness in your posts that your W is in an A, but I'm not hearing any anger. Anger isn't a healthy emotion to spend too much time in, but it has its place and right now, you deserve to feel angry. She has lied to you and cheated on you for more than a year. She gaslit you and got your MC to do the same. What are you seeing in her behavior that makes you think she's in any way worthy of you as her W?

I might encourage you to spend a little time here, thinking on what you want in a W and whether she's demonstrating she is that person, to you, today. Maybe she was in the past and you can mourn that. But you have a right to be angry over how she has betrayed your love and your trust, and maybe you can use that anger to your advantage. (I always recommend the chump lady website when you need a boost in this area.)

xoxo M