I just wanted to chime in-- I completely agree with the others that you need to back off on any and all pressure-inducing behaviors. Give her space and focus on yourself and your kids. What makes you happy? Do that! Stop worrying so much about where your W's head is or isn't. It is completely out of your control. Spend your time focusing on where you do have control-- your own behavior and choices. Only that.
Let me outline a few possible scenarios for you.
One, she is still in contact with AP and cake-eating with the best of them. Telling you she's working on the M but really just stringing you along. She spent all morning texting him and went out to see him this afternoon while you took care of the kids.
Two, she is not in contact with AP anymore and is truly committed to working on the M. However, she is confused and depressed. She is grieving the loss of AP and the fantasy of what that potential future represented to her (freedom, fun, sex, etc.). She is scared that the same problems in your M will resurface. Is this her only chance to break free? Etc. And, she is grappling with the personal demons that led her her cheat in the first place, whether she's still justifying it a "ross and rachel' thing (that cracked me up btw) or is willing to look deeper beyond the justifications. She has work to do on herself that doesn't involve you. She slept in because she's depressed and she went to her mother's house to get some time for herself and/or to talk to her mom.
Three, she is out of touch with AP but she isn't really committed to working on the M. She's taking advantage of your willingness to stand but isn't really interested in understanding what led her to have an A. She's biding her time but has no real motivation to change. She's still depressed about the loss of AP and the fantasy of what it might represent, etc., like in the scenario above. She may or may not still be in some minimal level of contact with AP and is still thinking about him rather than letting him go.
I know we aren't supposed to mindread, and I don't think at this point you can tell which of the above scenarios are true with your W from her actions. There are more possibilities, also, and her mindset may change as you move forward as well-- just because she feels one way today does not mean she'll feel that way in a month or a year. But my question to you is-- are you OK with all of the above? I know you hope it is number two, but what if it is number one? Are you still willing to stand? Or would it be better for your own mental health to separate, if you can't stop obsessing about whether or not she's still cheating?
I think you need to take some time and space to decide what is best for YOU. I mean, even in the best case scenario where she's being 100 percent honest with you, that is exactly what she is doing. Why should you be sitting around just waiting to see what she does, and watching and dissecting her every move like a hawk? My advice-- don't.
Unfortunately, you're in a situation where it very well could be a false reconciliation and your W is still in touch with AP (ask me how I know ) possibly because you took her back too easily, no transparency plan in place, etc. Whatever. You need to decide if you are OK staying in your current situation, not really knowing if any of this is the case. Understanding what actions you are seeing from her and what you aren't. For instance, you say she lacks empathy for what she's done (I'm in the same place with my own H.) Are you OK with that right now? I understand it is super frustrating and unfair. All of this is. You don't deserve any of it. But, unfortunately, it is your reality right now. As Pommy says, even under the best of circumstances where your W is truly committed to reconciling with you, her timeline is very, very different from yours. Marathon not a sprint and all that.
If you truly look at your situation and understand that your W may be continuing to cake eat for all your know and you're still willing to stand for now, I think you're back to the basics of DB-- GAL, 180s, removing all pressure, initiating of sex or affection, R talks, etc. Just focusing on yourself. If you aren't OK with that, then what are you okay with? Do you want to separate for now? If so, what is your best case scenario, for you? What are your boundaries to protect yourself during this difficult time? I think the more you can focus on what you need and want, regardless of your W and what she's doing, the better.
Knowing and enforcing your own boundaries is also critical.
Finally, there is a lot of talk about whether the WS sees you as a person of value or not. I think the most important part of all of this is being sure you see yourself as a person of value. Once you believe this to your core, can stand tall and enforce your boundaries of what behaviors you will or won't accept-- you'll be fine, no matter what.
Hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
) possibly because you took her back too easily, no transparency plan in place, etc. Whatever. You need to decide if you are OK staying in your current situation, not really knowing if any of this is the case. Understanding what actions you are seeing from her and what you aren't. For instance, you say she lacks empathy for what she's done (I'm in the same place with my own H.) Are you OK with that right now? I understand it is super frustrating and unfair. All of this is. You don't deserve any of it. But, unfortunately, it is your reality right now. As Pommy says, even under the best of circumstances where your W is truly committed to reconciling with you, her timeline is very, very different from yours. Marathon not a sprint and all that. 