Sometimes I wish my wife would be angry, at least that is an emotion, anger means sometimes that the spouse wants to punish you for hurting them to make you feel something. That's a good chance to validate, validate, validate, then the guilt of punishing you may stop it.
My wife feels nothing for me, indifference, no guilt, no shame, no tears, doesn't care that its hurting the kids, she lives with us but is never home, its like she is not even the same person. Like she died and some other woman replaced her that is selfish and emotionless to me or the children she loved like 2 months ago....
It [censored] that your dealing with all that crap, the anger, the atty war. Maybe that anger can subside after some time. I feel like the moment I tell my stbxw that I wont watch the kids every single nite so she can spend it with OM she will get that way. She has threatened me and said "things will get a lot different now." She is only the way she is since I am not fighting this D or trying to hold back her single life dreams. I figured if I just sit back and take care of the kids the more time she spends with OM the sooner it will fizzle out / the honeymoon phase ends and reality can take hold. If I fight that makes her A excting to run to. But Ill admit it doesn't help me feel any better when she tells me "stay strong your a good man, im sorry" either way this still [censored].. I never wanted my kids to have a step-dad, Im actually a good father.
Steve, I will be easier on you than some of the others here, because sometimes the veterans don't want to just sympathize with the agony of we LBHs, they just want us to move on! I don't blame them, but I'll give you some sympathy myself.
The hardest part for me was a little different. Mine just walked out and filed, and while I was thoroughly and completely shocked, what I needed was to talk with her. I begged her. Please, let's at least just talk. Sure, complain to me. Call me a bastard. I'll listen. I just wanted to talk.
But she administered the ultimate torture. She refused to talk. We had two business meetings, about bills, in that first 2.5 weeks, and that was it. Then the hand grenade, the accusation that I was violent and the threat of a restraining order. It still hurts for me to think about it. There are several songs I heard around that time, and each time I hear them now I experience the same physical response as I did back then.
After time here on DB, I think I now believe that she eventually will talk. It might take years, but eventually she will. I'm over that desperate, panicked need to hear her out. I still wonder, every day, though. A good friend of mine went through the same thing, about 10 years ago. He is now happily married to another woman, a lovely gal. But -- he's sensitive like me, he's an artist type -- he says the pain of his lost family, and the divorce, hurts every day. Every day.
Heed the advice of those here on DB who tell you to do the three essentials: GAL, create distance, and do your 180s. Either it works and she comes back, or it doesn't -- and you're now ready for the rest of your life.
Do not be an enabler of her wayward life. Just be matter-of-fact about it. Remember that there is a good chance the OM is using her, too, so he will tire of her and maybe she will learn an eternal life lesson. Imagine you were in his shoes. An attractive woman, still married, hot to trot, but she says he can't pick her up cause she's still living with her legal husband -- the OM is only interested in a good time! It can't be serious for him. So one possibility is that after some amount of time, and after feeling used like a rag doll, she comes back to you.
I can't help but also think that now is the time to heed the NMMNG advice. We nice, sensitive and sweet men suffer from this syndrome. It doesn't mean become an a--hole, but it does mean to begin asserting ourselves. In fact, that might be what attracted her to the OM, because she likes a more dominant man, even if it's only one who will in the end use her. Remember, one of SandiB's maxims is "don't expect logic" from the WW, for the time being. She is living for the day, and living for the pleasure. That can't last forever.
So, my friend, trudge ahead. Take one step at a time. Try not to mope.
And always reach out to me if you want some sympathy. I'm here.
