NZ... sorry you are here and for what you are going through. i agree with what others have said. If she is not in a PA, she is in an EA. It is really rare for people to leave a marriage this easily unless they have a replacement in mind. I think this is especially true when they go straight to separating finances and wanting to live separately. If there wasn’t another person involved (either IRL or fantasy), there is usually more of a heads up and a “we’re in trouble here...can we try to fix it” approach. I think that it is no accident that most of the people who get “bombed” and end up here either know about the affair or find out about it a month or two after the WAS leaves. Do believe it when there are other signs pointing to an affair and they deny it. They lie. In my sitch, my XH looked directly into my eyes and swore to me “on our children’s lives” that there was no one else. He was engaged to that non-existent person before the ink had even dried on our separation agreement which happened six months after BD.

I’m not telling you this to be a Debbie Downer or discourage you from hoping for a different outcome. I’m telling you this because I can tell from what you have written that you are heading down the “DB to get her back” road. The truth is that while there are some stories of reconciliation on here, the vast majority end up divorced. And the people who struggle the most are the ones who try to use the DB techniques to manipulate their WASs into returning. Manipulation does not work. The point of DBing is to get you to a place mentally where you will be fine no matter what happens. GAL activities and other efforts made to detach from your spouse are key components of that. Let go of your expectations and your need to control the outcome. The more you try to control the outcome, the less likely it is to go your way.

Your W is way ahead of you. She has been detaching from you for months and possibly years. This is not something she has done on a whim...she has been thinking about this and envisioning a NZ-free future for a long time. And she has taken the HUGE step of telling you about it which is the hardest step for the WAS to take. If she goes back on that, it won’t be anytime soon. She wants out. The marriage you had is over. Maybe you can create a new one in the future but that won’t happen if you try to hang on to the old one. I KNOW how hard it is NZ but the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be. Most of us take a long time to do this and it is during the time period between BD and acceptance that we do and say things that accomplish nothing other than decrease our WAS’s attraction to us even further. So try really, really hard to step back from emotional, impulsive actions and reactions. Take the focus off of her and put it on you and your S3. Detach, detach, detach...

Also...regarding mixed messages...the source of these is almost always guilt. Your W does care about you...you were together for years and you are the father of her child...so of course she does. She also knows that ending a marriage in the manner that she has is a pretty sh!tty thing to do and that you are devastated whereas she feels like a big weight has lifted off her shoulders (she finally told you what she has been thinking about and planning for all this time). She feels guilty (she should!!) about that so she is nice to you once in awhile... but that doesn’t change the fact that she is still determined to see this through. My advice..if she wants to separate finances, etc... do not try to get in the way of that. At no other point in your sitch will she be as cooperative and agreeable as she is right now while she is still feeling bad about what she is doing. If you try to stand in her way or prolong things with the hope of getting her back, her guilt will lessen, her resentment of you will grow and it will get harder and harder to come to an agreement. As others have said... consult with a lawyer. It doesn’t matter if you want a separation/divorce or not... if your spouse is intent on getting one, it will happen. You should be prepared by knowing your rights and legal entitlements.

Anyway...that’s my two cents for what it is worth. BTW... my BD was just over two years ago. The first six months following it were the most painful and difficult months of my life. But I followed the advice of the people on this board (and made my share of blunders too...everyone does) and slowly but surely I detached and moved forward with my life. I’ve been divorced for a year now (feels more like three years tbh) and I am HAPPY. There is life after divorce and you can make it a great one. (((HUGS)))