A day at a time

[may22]

Hi Blu, Alison, Ginger!

This is really very very helpful to me.

Why do you think you shouldn’t have had that conversation?

I actually felt really good about it when it happened, especially because I was totally in control of myself and wasn't angry when I went back to tell him how I felt. Then I typed it out here and still felt good about it. Then I read my full post just before I posted it and I felt like I had just resolved with my IC to focus on me, working on my own healing without worrying about where H is or not... then instead I launched into telling H what's what. it seemed to go against the idea of purposefully letting go of caring whether H was prepared to actually work on our R, or not. He clearly is not, so why waste my breath?

Well I love what you said and I’m glad you said it. Plus, you meant it all, right? I’m glad you are being true to what you feel and think. He needs to see that you are strong, what your position is, and that you are not passively waiting for him to come around and decide to when to reengage with you (when it suits his mood). He is still self serving. You don’t have to accept that.

Truth darts. Hit him hard. I know some people will say continue to DB — detach, validate, GAL, etc — but I think that’s a rough blue print for folks that are spinning and don’t know where to start. I love that you are calling him out on his BS. You are teaching him how to treat you! You can also do that with grace and calm. Atta girl!!!

Oh, I sooooo meant it. It felt so good to say it clearly and calmly too. The grace and calm part... I haven't been so good at that in the past. I was thinking about our fight earlier in the week that was sparked by a similar passive-aggressive, sarcastic comment where I totally lost it, and in doing so lost the ability actually communicate anything.

Maybe this is a Goldilocks thing. I've tried getting angry at this behavior for years... doesn't work. When I first started DBing, I simply ignored it and refused to be baited, and it went away, but the underlying disrespect or resentment or whatever fueled it didn't go away. Now that it is back, I don't feel I can authentically just ignore it in a STFU/ eating my $hit sandwich kind of way. It makes ME too resentful and I don't want to feel like that.

And Blu, I think you're right in that these little disrespectful actions are tied to the gigantic disrespectful actions-- at least in my head-- so by establishing that I won't accept the little ones, it is helps ME at least to feel I won't accept any of it, any more. I'm tired of it. So maybe this middle ground, truth dart and enforcing my boundary by physically walking away, will be the right mix, at least for me.

When I got out of the way and left him to be mean to an empty room, that helped ME and it got me into a state where I could start to do things that helped the relationship. I had a LONG time where I was STFU and I think it did achieve some necessary peace and stability and allowed me the space to heal - but part of my healing was to get angry about how I'd been treated and what I had chosen to allow, and also to see the truth. And for me, healing action is about speaking the truth.

You're really an inspiration to me in how you handled this with your H. I imagine you as this calm and strong goddess who glides out of the room with a serene and slightly disappointed look on your face, while your H sputters and froths (Haha in my imagination he's like running around in circles on his hands and knees, like a dog. IDK why that is the imagery for me, but it is!!) I remember when this was happening and thinking my H has some of these same tendencies, though nowhere near as extreme, but that those behaviors were mostly gone. Part of the challenge for me, I think, is that H can be very, very subtle in these little digs. It isn't overt. So when I get angry the narrative turns into me overreacting rather than him choosing to say something in an unkind way.

And I do think sarcasm is a very passive aggressive and childish way of expressing resentment, anger and contempt. It's laziness - letting off steam by lashing out rather than looking inside, seeing what is wrong and expressing it clearly and assertively. I think he probably does want lots of cookies for telling you - again - that he's willing not to contact his mistress, and he's having little sulky temper tantrums now and again to let you know how resentful and deprived he feels. He is an extremely entitled man. It is very very very good that you named it, said it aloud, and called him on it.

I agree. Sarcasm is a major tool in his interaction toolbox, with everyone. he can be very very funny, sometimes, but I do think that he uses it at least with me exactly as you say-- letting off steam when he's annoyed. He doesn't see-- or want to see, because then he'd have to change-- that communicating like that is really damaging to the relationship.

He does want cookies. Just that statement he made to me-- I'm not acknowledging he's made a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE-- like, OMG. Seriously? I'm actually glad when he says stuff like that because it helps remind me where his head still is (shall we say stuck very very far up somewhere very very dark).

Anyway. Thank you all for this feedback, it was really helpful to me in thinking about how I calibrate my own behaviors in this current world I'm in. I feel like I can continue to work on my own healing myself and yet set very clear boundaries and use truth darts when appropriate, as long as I can do it with grace and calm, to communicate to him what I will and won't accept.