A day at a time

[may22]

Valeska, agreed. And I truly don't know if he has the capacity to look inside himself and change... whether it is around the big things, like the A, or little things, like speaking to me in a disrespectful way cloaked by sarcasm. This is a weird thing as it was a feature of M1.0 but not too pronounced, got horrible during the alien-H phase, became waaay improved over the last year or so when I started DBing, and now has reared its ugly head again. I wish I understood where it came from. It may just be a way he externalizes his unhappiness, and it disappeared in the last year because of his guilt over the A and he tried to be nicer. (Or, he was perfectly happy cake eating for the last year and that is why the rudeness disappeared, and is now unhappy again because I took away his cake and taking it out on me.) IDK.

Journaling... I had a good session with my IC this week. She said she felt I've changed a lot since we have been working together. I asked in what way-- she said I seemed stronger; improved self-worth in/re my R with H-- not being willing to accept things from him just because he is my H or the father of my children; less fear; stronger boundaries; she feels like I'm getting to know myself better and encouraged me to continue along this path. So that all felt positive.

She gave me some tips on how to deal when triggers come up (self-talk, validating the feelings, moving into self-care mode) and my work this week is to avoid internalizing the anger and recognizing and breaking the co-dependent tendencies on my side of the fence. It's funny-- it seems as though H has been externalizing all his issues and mostly dumping them on me as the closest person, whereas my issue is swallowing it all.

We talked about how to address my anger towards H and AP. She asked if I believed that feelings needed to be experienced and have a beginning, middle, and end... I said I'd read that, and felt it made sense for some feelings, like sadness, but that my anger felt really different... that letting it go would make it go out of control, a raging fire that would consume everything in its path and be hungrier than before, not sated. (Alison, if you're reading... I remember your anger as a big, beautiful, protective bear, and my worry that my own anger would be a hellish, insatiable monster... I still feel that way. If I feed it, it only grows.)

Anyway... I am really dedicated right now to figuring out how to heal myself without relying on H for any support at all. This is my work and even though I wish I had the kind of H that I could rely on right now to help me through this situation of his making, I don't. And I don't want to make any more excuses for me or for him. I'm going to move forward healing on my own path and just not worry about where that might or might not lead in terms of my M.

We did nave another mini-argument, same dynamic-- he said something to me in a rude tone, I called him out, he denied it was rude-- and I got angry. But I this time I removed myself from the situation, had a cup of coffee, calmed down and then went back to talk with him. He said he felt like me blowing up after he does the littlest thing wrong is M1.0 all over again.

I said, I'm sorry I blew up at you. I won't do it again. (My plan is next time to simply remove myself from the situation, a la Alison.) And it feels like M1.0 to me all over again too, which scares me. Every time you choose to say something in a dismissive, rude, or sarcastic way to me instead of speaking to me in a kind and loving way-- it adds a layer of anger and resentment to my heart. That is a big part of what happened in M1.0 with me and a big reason for the SSM and why I lost my desire for you. It was covered in layers and layers of hardened plaque built by these tiny little barbs.

I simply don't want to live like that. You can make your choices about how you want to live your life and whether or not you're willing to make changes in order to have a good M with me. Just because you ended your affair does not mean you deserve a cookie. (I was reading CL last night )

He said, I don't think I deserve a cookie. But you aren't recognizing that I have made a major life change for you and our M.

I said, sorry. ending your affair was the right thing to do. But it is only the beginning of the work you have to do, and it isn't something I need to feel grateful about. You're simply coming back to the bare, bare minimum standard of any H, anywhere. So I'm not going to kiss you @ss over it. And if you are never truly sorry that you did it? Then we'll never have a real M.

In retrospect, this conversation probably wasn't a good idea. I was thinking as I wrote this out about Yail's recommendation to stretch out my timeline and in one sense, yesterday was just four weeks since he's gone NC with AP. Six weeks ago he wanted to D and five weeks ago he changed his mind back. I probably should have avoided the conversation and just focused on how to have better self-control in these situations and simply enforced a boundary around I won't be spoken to in a disrespectful way. But, I said my piece and all I can do now is continue to focus on me.

Hope everyone has fun plans for the weekend! xx