WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Hi Gerda

Thanks for dropping by and thanks for following along.

I'm sure the answer to your question is already in previous posts, but as an exercise to clarify my thoughts I'll let you know what it means to me at the moment.

We all associate assumptions with certain actions/ decisions. For example someone unhappy with the pay they receive for their job. This person is stressed because it's hard to make ends meet. The stress is almost worse than the poor income. This person could believe that a better paying job would mean more responsibility and more stress, which they don't want. So to avoid this assumed association, they remain in their current situation.

Such associations are everywhere in life and are often not even consciously made. Our upbringing, previous experiences and personality are mainly the sources of such beliefs. They are present for all types of situations including our R/M.

A common example referred to on this site is that a spouse may feel unloved because the other is not showing them love in a way they feel love. So if they don't feel that love the assumptions is that the other isn't demonstrating love or worse doesn't love them.

We all stick meanings on what others say or do. It is possible that we are right, but not necessarily.

A H comes home and storms straight into his study or another room without speaking to W. The W takes this personally and gets annoyed assuming H is being a jerk. That affects her interactions afterwards. There could be many reasons for such behaviour from the H that have nothing to do with his W. But for this example I'll go a step further and the reason he did so was out of love for his W. He had a particularly stressful/awful day and wanted to take a few minutes alone to digest it so he could pass some quality time with W. Ten minutes later when he comes out, his W is now furious with him and attacks him over every little thing past and present! The H doesn't understand where this came from but is immediately brought back into the state of mind he was in upon arriving. Now he's annoyed because his bad day is continuing at home.

Everyone tells themselves stories which they believe to be true. My H did X and that means Y. Over time H doesn't even have to do X and Y is assumed anyhow because we repeat the story in our minds.

Which leads me onto constraints and boxes. In our life we believe we cannot do X because it will cause Y. Some constraints are real but many are not.

Without talking about seeing someone else outside the M, there are things we just don't do because being married means we shouldn't, like going out every night without spouse. There's no law against it but it's just not right.

So in my situation we are still "together" as a couple and as a family, albeit strained, but still together. I could easily fill up all of my evenings with non W activities but feel that as we are still together that's not right.

On the flipside, because our R is unfulfilling I don't feel like doing stuff together. In a M the more we don't feel like it is often when it's needed the most, but my assumptions is that that applies to a healthier M and not here.

Now to bring those two together in a concrete example. Next week is our W anniversary and I don't feel like doing anything. Just let it pass. That's the fed up version of me that has WAS thinking. But there is part of me that believes I should because that's the right thing to do. It's not just an obligation but moreso I want to on a deeper level because that's the H I want to be. What do ye advise about that?

As mentioned in one of my last posts this time last year and even earlier in other posts, I put certain restrictions on what i want to do because of my situation:
# certain because it's not the done thing because i am in a R
# others like showing affection I limit because our R isn't quite right
# some discussions/actions I put off believing she isn't yet ready and hence pointless at this stage. On that point I do believe she is closer to being ready to listen AND hear.
Add to the mix that at times my teenager and preteenager as well as W trigger me even though I see my triggers and work on them .

So on a daily basis I build up my optimistic outlook about a potential future R and aim towards that but find myself triggered by some interaction (or lack thereof)and that ends that days momentum. Leave it there and hit reset the next day. Groundhog day.