Through The Storm IV

[may22]

Hi KG,

(((KG))) I know this is so hard. But you do sound great. A few thoughts for you to leave or take:

Yail said-- you have a future in front of you with NO AP IN IT!!! That is so awesome and I would hold that as an f-ing beacon of light in front of you. This is another area where our sitches were different... the kids mean that I actually had a future in front of me with AP shoved down my throat every day for the next ten years. And on special occasions for the rest of my GD life. Whereas you have a gorgeous, clean, well-lit AP-free path in front of you. With birds singing and dappled sunlight. If your W isn't able to make that choice, then you can. You have the power.

Glad you spoke with a L. I agree with Yail that the more you can be open-ended and ask her what she wants, the better. She isn't going to take it well when you tell her she can't afford the mortgage... let her go out and do the work and figure it out for herself.

Of *course* she isn't going to like it when you go in this direction. She enjoys her cake quite a bit and you're taking it away. I would recommend spending some time on the Chump Lady website to fuel your resolve here, or buy the chump lady book. It will help quite a bit, I think. Your W is living in her delusion land that it is OK to have a wife and an AP and can only do that because she knows you're there for her no matter what. She clearly hasn't thought through all the financial implications of D... let her start to figure that all out herself. That isn't your job either.

Remember... this isn't your fault. This is hers. You have done everything humanly possible to save your M, and now it is time to move forward with grace and dignity. Keep your cool in these conversations.

I'm going to guess that in addition to the rages, you'll get some backtracking. Just be prepared for how you want to handle that. In my case, once my H got to the precipice of S-- had an apartment all lined up, we'd agreed in principle to all the splitting of finances and custody-- he decided he couldn't do it, that his relationship with AP wasn't worth Ding. At that point I made the choice to stand a little longer and time will tell if that was a worthwhile gamble. Given your W's behavior, the early morning cuddles and apologies and all the rest, I wouldn't be surprised if she makes a similar choice once she sees the stark reality of losing her house and losing you looks like.

My advice when that happens (which I didn't take for myself, but I'm going to blame on the key differences in our sitch) is to hold strong. You don't have to worry about how two little human beings feel about the D-- only about how YOU feel. And I hope you can bottle up that strength and power you're feeling right now so you can keep it dripping into your veins when the hard parts come. You deserve to be on the other side of this. You've given your W ample, ample opportunity to do it together. She can't. Now you need to do this for yourself.

Also, in the meantime... can you wean yourself away from the wifely duties etc while you amp yourself up for the convo? I would recommend after the convo you probably want to stay away from all wifely duties, so the more you can catch yourself now the better you'll do.

(((KG)))