Went for my usual therapist and was expecting the same old stuff; be kind, try to communicate yada yada... but then, plot twist.
My therapist suddenly changed geared and asked me about my insecurities and my negative thinking and then it led to my childhood. I blurted out my deepest secret that I was always trying to have my mom's approval. I never did. I was always no way better than my elder siblings. I'm never enough. And when my mom died, I lost the very person that I was trying to prove my existence to and I guess I shifted it to my W.
I recalled some of my arguments with my W previously I will mention that I'm never enough for her because she has high standards and I can never catch up to her. I was walking on eggshells all the time, trying to gain her approval and got more and more frustrated when I didn't get it. And eventually I gave up and worked on other things (career, hobbies, etc)
Then the floodgates opened. Cried uncontrollably and kept saying I wasn't enough. Therapist told me to imagine that my 13 year-old me beside me and what I would like to say to him. Wiping my tears and mucus I muttered, "Stop chasing anymore, you're enough..."
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
