Alison: I hope that was helpful, working too much is like any other addiction I think. Hiding yourself in work can be damaging, just more socially approved of than addiction to drugs or alcohol...We are all works in progress and trying not to feel like a victim is a constant lifelong battle!

I still haven't talked to H about D. Ugh. So hard. I have some house repairs I would like to sort first because they will come out of joint money without having to battle with H (who never liked spending money on necessary repairs...) I arranged an appointment so hopefully I can get a quote done by Friday. I'm also going away with my new bloke in just over a week and H is staying here with ds2 so I would prefer him not to be snooping round thinking of D stuff. So I think I will broach the subject when I get back. It's going to take a lot of courage. I was always pretty passive in my marriage, but I need to be assertive now.

I would like some advice on parenting. H is planning to stay here next Friday night and see a friend of his here, then for ds2 to stay with him until Monday. I told ds2 this yesterday and he was unimpressed. He said he would be left babysitting the dog while H got drunk with his friend (probably true) and that he didn't want to go and stay with H, nor did he want H to stay here the whole weekend with the dog. He said it's bad enough dealing with H let alone H plus dog. He feels very betrayed by being replaced with a dog. He also says that H is boring and depressing to spend time with (true). He would prefer to see H without the dog (H has no dog babysitter arranged except for the odd occasion when the neighbour will look after him if H has a medical appointment). I told ds2 that he should say some of this to H but he is very reluctant. I am also reluctant to intervene in their relationship, but I want to protect ds2 and to advocate for his needs. I think no matter how tactfully I put it, H will feel attacked and criticised (that was the pattern in our marriage). Any advice? I am so sick of the family having to tiptoe round H and his terrible decisions. Part of me would just like to tell him that he needs to get a dog sitter and spend some proper time with ds2, but this is a man who behaves like a toddler at the drop of a hat. So we all avoid him and evade honest conversations. I also feel bad that I'm going away without ds2, though he really just wants to stay home by himself during half term and I'm only away 4 days, 2 of which he's at school for. We have been spending some nice time together since ds1 left, that has been lovely. He is busy at school and afterwards but it gets to 9pm and he used to hang out with ds1 at that time so now we watch TV together then. Hopefully he knows that he is my number one priority and I'm here for him no matter what.

Dropping ds1 off at uni was ok, lunch was annoying as the puppy was overly energetic so I had to take it for a run round the block (zero thanks from H). H got very stressed driving to the car park where we were directed. I told him that if he reversed into the parking space it would be difficult getting stuff out of the boot. He got angry and swore at me. Ds1 was silent. We were only allowed into the building one at a time so that was kind of weird. Then we got stuck in traffic driving back to H's car and he got stressed and barked at me to find another route. When I said there wasn't a traffic free route (we were in the town centre on a wet day) he got angry and said that he had a lot more travel than me and a dog to look after. I told him to F right off (frankly, I just wanted to be by myself driving home and feeling sad about dropping ds1 off, not dealing with H and his bad temper and his feeling sorry for himself for his own stupid life choices!) So that was fun smile Since then H has been emotionally blackmailing ds1 the way his own mother does. Telling him he won't give him any money if he won't talk to him on the phone. Complaining and telling him to behave like an adult and talk to him (ds1 and I both agreed that adults can choose who they talk to and when!) and generally behaving in such a way that he will end up alienating ds1 (who is very long suffering and also afraid of H). I am annoyed with H for behaving like this, especially for making a big deal about giving ds1 money when it's from our JOINT account! Talk about control freakery and his abandonment issues taking over. However, if he wants to mess up his relationship with ds1 then that's his choice, I won't intervene. I do advocate for H when I talk to both kids, saying that he loves them but can't demonstrate it, and that he is very broken. It is a lot for them to deal with though.

Things are fine with my man, he took me over to meet some friends of his for lunch, which was really nice. We were going to go to Europe but covid, so I booked a nice cottage on the coast instead. Should be a good test of our relationship! In other life stuff, my new job started and is going ok. I am seeing friends and doing my art and going on nice walks when the weather is ok. I have made more friends since lockdown than at any other time in my life, I think I really appreciated the importance of regular social contact in my life! Hoping it can still continue even if restrictions increase...