A day at a time

[may22]

Thanks Blu, Kristin.

Blu, maybe the ten year deadline could work for me. Right now it feels a lot like giving up, that all this wouldn't have been worth it to go through. And the funny thing is that if I'd never known about the A and was still in my SSM mindset, that probably would have been all just fine with me. It is only because I know about the A and through this experience have rediscovered my own sexuality and interest in physical affection that I am no longer satisfied with the day-to-day relationship we have, when it is friendly and good as it is most of the time. I'm also mulling over more of what H's role in the SSM was, rather than just take all the responsibility on myself. There are elements that led to the SSM that I don't want to replicate in this new relationship with my H, regardless of what it all entails (together, S, in love, not).

But basically, I am thinking back to the blank sheet of paper I have now (thanks Sage and SamCal!) to map out my future. It is no longer just two destinations-- D or an idealized M2.0. I'm starting to see multiple other possible paths for me to travel. What I'm trying to do, though, is resist filling in the lines too quickly. Just seeing where I am today, what I am content with, what I need to change, making those small adjustments without (as Yail says) writing my own future too soon.

Also, I want some time to sit and process these brand-new feelings I have. The one about being okay with the possibility of being the one to choose to S. The desire to let go of the anger and worry about the A and thinking about the AP-- forgiveness for myself, not for him or her. Just the desire to be free of these feelings and it being OK to let go of the anger at some point, I don't need it anymore to fuel me and propel me into any next phase, because where I go is up to me.

And, finishing the post-nup, working on my contingencies for what happens if he talks to her again, asking my close friend and IC to make sure this last line is drawn on stone, not in the sand. I'll pick up the phone and call my mom and other best friend and tell them everything, which should give me the momentum to follow through on kicking him out.

KG, I like what you wrote on your own thread too about taking responsibility for your own healing, and this is exactly what I'm trying to do too. You sound strong and positive. I am working on that!

For me, the kids have always been the reason I'm standing-- the "you've gotta prove it to me" stance feels meaningless in the face of our shared responsibility to our children. And, I won't use them as pawns. I walk when I'm ready to be done, for myself and for my kids, not because it is a better DBing strategy in the long term. Sorry if I'm a DB fail for this reason, but I need to do what is right for me in the end, whether or not others here agree with my choices. And I think that is the same for you. Don't feel like you were a doormat because you chose to stand in the way that you did. You did what was right for you, and it is no longer feeling right. You need to come authentically to where you are in order to be the best KG you can be and face the future with no regrets. You know your own self-worth. I think you always have. You just let your W's choices cloud your perspective for a bit. Let that wash away and do what you need to do for yourself, now.

For me, returning to the idea of the children as the core reason for me still standing, also helps me to look at the possibility of the 10 years as something I could do, or maybe will need to do, if I decide it is in their best interest. But yes, I also fully agree with you that at some point, I need to decide if what my children are witnessing in our R is what I want them to see in an M, and if he's really walking all over me in any area besides me not kicking him out for the A. I do deserve a partner who has my back, and that isn't H right now. Question is-- am I strong enough to have children's back while still in the M, knowing I'm standing on my own without someone watching my six? For now, I'm okay with this. Maybe not forever. But for now.

Scout just wrote in her most recent thread about being grateful for the small things. Having a nice cheese in the fridge. Ice for cold drinks. A perfectly ripe avocado. I just felt a rush of desire to be there when I read this. That is what I want too, and I know it is mine for the taking. So on the menu for me today... A little yoga. A beautiful cup of espresso with just a drop of heavy cream. A gorgeous fresh piece of ahi dropped off from the CSA yesterday will become lunch and maybe one of my avocados is perfectly ripe, too-- that really sounds wonderful, to me.

xoxo M