Nice to meet you and thank you very much for your detailed explanation. I have waited a very long time to subscribe myself on the forum as I wasn’t ready for it and honestly a bit afraid for the unknown but I must say it really helps me to receive advice from all of you.
As I understand it correctly you don’t have any contact anymore with your XW, nor the children? I can’t imagine what this must do to you, and to them…
My H has always been a clinging boomerang. As you might have read the trigger was indeed a few years ago.
His first real awakening was because I didn’t want to live anymore in the same house with him as long as he was with OW, I also knew the R already had many up & downs so I decided to kick him out.
From what I understood he lied as much to her as he did to me and “this broke her into pieces”! (his words) That is why he often said in the months after the break-up he felt so guilty because of what he did to here since he loved her so deeply…(the guilt towards me was not really present then)
There were a few break-ups before 02/2020 but it ended finally then. This is something I know 100% for sure. There is no OW in the picture anymore for now, that is why it is so difficult to know if he is still running or not.
Dynamics changed a lot since then.
More open depression for 4 months which is much better now, but I guess that was the OW withdrawal. The drinking behaviour is still much more than before MLC, but I assume they still do this during depression/withdrawal as well, or should I say, when still in the tunnel.
Huge change is his sporting behaviour. He always used to love athletics, completely stopped for 2 years and chose a completely different sport but since OW break-up he slowly picked up the athletics again which became more frequent and now in a very fanatic way. He states it helps him thinking.
When he talks openly, which sometimes happens, he still says many things that don't make sense and are very incoherent. Also very contradictory sometimes. That is why I sometimes say things that make little sense in response. (I guess I do this in defense as I don’t want to feel the pain anymore, I’m past that stage…)
Frequent statements are:
- I’m very unhappy, I know it’s me and I know what my issues are but I don’t know how to solve it yet. I only know I have to do it alone, nobody can help me with that. - It doesn’t work anymore, nothing works - I can let go of my friends and family too easily, I didn’t know I was like that (this scares him) - I would better not be here anymore, the world is better off without me because I feel so guilty towards you and the children - I love you but it won’t work anymore between us, because too much happened and I don’t know if that feeling of real love will come back. - I don’t need a sexual relationship, don’t want affection, I’m not interested in all of that (can’t give it either), I just want us to be friends and do things together with the kids.
Latest statement:
- It’s like I’m stuck in a tunnel and slowly it’s getting better but I’m definitely not there yet
That is the time when I also say contradictory things. 😊
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that my emotions are not under control at that time, I’m fully detached and I always stay very calm but I sometimes, unwillingly, want to influence the process, although I know I can’t…
If he says things like I just want to be friends I say this is not enough for me, that I want more in a relationship and I will take some distance. (then I don’t…)
He sent a message when he left yesterday to thank me for always being there for him, that he knows it is not easy for me and therefore he wants to express his respect and admiration.
I answered that I’m very thankful for those nice words, that it is indeed not always easy but that I’m there for him since he needs somebody who shows understanding and is there for him in difficult times.
