Through The Storm IV

[KristinG]

Working towards have a D discussion this week or next. I don't want this, but I also am tired of standing for someone who is treating me like garbage and the only way I can see to stop allowing the treatment is to S/D.

This is going to be a bit of a rant:

Ww had a bad mood this past weekend when we had several close friends over for a football game. I didn't say two words to her the whole evening and just hung out with other groups. I knew after everyone left she would initiate an R talk and, truthfully, I just didn't want to sit and hear ILYB cycles for an hour. I even told a few friends I was trying to head to bed before everyone leaves because of this. Of course, she caught me right as I was saying goodbye and goodnight and asked to talk for few. I listened and validated the best that I could. She tried to offer a compromise of S in which she would move into our old apartment (I still have it after buying the house). Her plan was that we would take turns living there and staying separated to work on ourselves. I told her I wasn't leaving the house and there would be no compromise unless she could make a commitment with transparency to end all contact with AP. She said that she could not and would not do that. I told her that the only offer would be for us to D given that she won't honor my feelings and that it is a boundary for me. I also said that she could move into the apartment with full S and still talk to AP all she wanted but that I would be moving forward and possibly filing for D. She asked what that would look like and I explained possible solutions for splitting up assets. She began to get angry/upset and I told her we could talk about all of this another day. I went to bed. WW started going through the house yelling about how I needed to be gone the next day and take all of my things, this is her house, this is her dog, this is her room, etc. She kept coming into the bedroom and saying terrible, hurtful things, and for a time I was able to remain calm and ask her to please leave me alone. She kept pushing and pushing and I couldn't control the emotions anymore. We got into a screaming argument and she continued the verbal assault, spewing any venom she could think of. It was awful. I said some hurtful things too and called her some choice names, selfish cheating &$*@ among them. She finally relented and left me alone. Early the next morning she crawled into the MRB and apologized trying to cuddle up to me. The apology was sincere and nice to hear and I didn't have the strength to kick her out. She asked that we not talk about things and just have a relaxing day.

I have not initiated a D discussion yet and am trying to wrap my head around how to approach things. I am so tired of allowing her to have her cake. I also know that I am comfortable on my own, in my own space. I also know that regardless of whether she wakes up and realizes what she is losing, I do not want to allow AP in my life anymore. I do not want a WS that would so such hurtful things and could act so selfishly. If that means that we aren't together anymore, that is ok with me. My feelings have/are shifting from not wanting to lose her, to simply wanting more for myself with or without her. If she isn't the one to give me those things, I am sure I will heal. I can have those things on my own and possibly, in the future, with someone who earns it and values who I am. Heck, it could even be her. But in order for that to happen, she needs to work on her own yard and I don't see that happening while we are still together. Something has to change. Just some thoughts for the day.

I feel strong and happy in this new perspective of taking control of my own healing and happiness. No more waiting for her to help me heal (which I think is what I had been waiting for). May, I think you are still waiting for H to help you heal, too. I see a lot of myself in you and your personality. We're ferocious and brave when it comes to choosing our family and trying to put the pieces back, but at some point, we have to let the one that broke it fix it. It's my choice and my decision to make and I will feel at peace with any outcome.

KG