A, If you are truly having suicidal thoughts then you should seek the help of a professional immediately.
Yes I've engaged a therapist on a monthly basis to tide me thru this situation. I'm not going to let the suicide thoughts take over me. I have a lot of things that I can about apart from my marriage that I can't bear to lose.
Originally Posted by LH19
It's gonna take a really long time for your W to hit rock bottom. My ex is in about year 7 of her crisis/change in personality. Her relationship with the kids is bad. They were both crying on the last exchange that they don't like being with her anymore. And it was her birthday! It's sad for my kids but also very predictable. All these situations run on the same script. You have to minimize the damage for your children.
The key is to use the pain to become a better person and the rest will work itself out.
7 years is freaking long! I don't think i have the stomach to wait that long but who knows? Prior to me meeting my W I was enjoying singlehood to the fullest. And then she came along, got pregnant and I had to step up to be a responsible father and husband. It wasn't a bed of roses, I own 50% of the fault that led to this stage but I was never a violent person. No physical abuse took place; only those common cold wars and screaming when the kids got out of hand. It seems my W isn't that forgiving in that department.
Remember, every sitch is different. My W went from "I don't want to be married anymore" to full blown Ring and piecing in about 3 months. I'd say that LH's ex is on the extreme side of length, and my W is on the other end of the extreme spectrum. The point is that it is a MARATHON not a sprint. So buckle in for a long ride. I like to tell LBSs to have a set date of when YOU will take action. Being someone's backup plan and waiting for them for a long period of time is not a fun place to be. I was giving my W one year to work through her stuff, and if she still hadn't moved one direction or the other by then I was going to go file for D myself. The open ended nature of limbo is not a fun place to live long-term.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the great insights LH. Like i mentioned earlier, her moving out might be the start of her rock bottom.
I didn't have the courage back then to send her packing because of the kids and the fear of the unknown. I've always been a nice guy and put her on a pedestal, thinking that I can just satisfy her with things she wants (gifts, meals, vacation, etc). I was brought up by my parents that money is quite important and earning them is top priority. So I spent most of my time climbing the corporate ladder.
And you are gonna be mostly right, when she wakes up I probably won't be around anymore because too much damage and too much time has pass.
I really want to go to a place where I can be ok with divorce and living for myself and my kids. I wish that this separation not only gives me the time to bring myself to that place, it also will allow my W to come back to her senses because I can see that she's clearly driving herself off a cliff.
She just sent me a calendar invite titled "House viewing". I felt like she's once again trying to take a swipe at me and bait me into reacting.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Sometime happened earlier on and now i'm kinda feeling defeated on how i reacted.
It's her birthday today and the kids wanted to give her a present and a cake. Brought them out to the mall and gotten those. A small chocolate cake and some jewellery accessories where my girls chose them.
Fast forward back home. I had work calls immediately after dinner and while i was in the middle of the call, i heard my W screaming at my Ds. Apparently they weren't very cooperative in getting into shower and they were wasting soap. Crying ensues and slamming of furnitures.
And then my Ds came into my room which i asked them what happened. Heard their story and explained to them why mommy was angry and they should apologize. A few mins later, D4 came back and told me that mommy doesn't want to blow out the birthday candles and doesn't want to celebrate her birthday.
And that's why i kinda snapped. I walked over to her as she was blow-drying her hair and I told her in a firm voice," The kids picked the cake and the presents and really want to celebrate your birthday and i would appreciate..." I got cut off by her. She exclaimed, "can they wait? I'm busy. I didn't say I don't want to take out the cake."
I looked at my D4 and there she was, face so guilty because she might have told a lie because she wanted to eat the cake badly. I shook my head and walked away.
when i went back to my room i felt this sense of stupidity because i felt like i have made the situation worse because i confronted my W for something trivial all because my D4 lied.
We carried on with the cake cutting and the formalities after 10 minutes. The atmosphere was tense and she at one point mentioned not to take photos of it. I disregarded it and took a few with her and the kids only. I left myself out of the photo op.
I have this feeling that the whole situation could've gone better and i blew it because instead of being calm and find out more from my D4 about the issue, I went straight to the W and sort of gave her a piece of my mind.
Looks like my mr nice guy syndrome is back and the fear of causing the W to be angry is triggering some sort of guilty feelings. Is this normal? Or I'm just blowing things out of proportion?
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Looks like my mr nice guy syndrome is back and the fear of causing the W to be angry is triggering some sort of guilty feelings. Is this normal? Or I'm just blowing things out of proportion?
Yes, this is normal for someone suffering from NGS. Which means you still need to work on that. You need to do what you need to do, her reaction to it is out of your control. The belief that being nice to a WAS will get you what you want is a fallacy of the highest order.
GAL. 180s. Detachment. Those should be your focus. Not her moods.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. I think my mind was in overdrive and it's thinking that this incident will be noted down in her little book of resentments and justify her reason for moving out.
I am going to push hard to put this behind me and don't care if it's a yay or nay for her. If this confrontation is going to give her the ammo to move out, so be it. i was just being direct and protective of my D4's feelings. It's water under bridge now. Nothing more i can do to control it.
I have tonnes of work to do on myself that's for sure. Sorry for ranting in this board incessantly.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Went for my usual therapist and was expecting the same old stuff; be kind, try to communicate yada yada... but then, plot twist.
My therapist suddenly changed geared and asked me about my insecurities and my negative thinking and then it led to my childhood. I blurted out my deepest secret that I was always trying to have my mom's approval. I never did. I was always no way better than my elder siblings. I'm never enough. And when my mom died, I lost the very person that I was trying to prove my existence to and I guess I shifted it to my W.
I recalled some of my arguments with my W previously I will mention that I'm never enough for her because she has high standards and I can never catch up to her. I was walking on eggshells all the time, trying to gain her approval and got more and more frustrated when I didn't get it. And eventually I gave up and worked on other things (career, hobbies, etc)
Then the floodgates opened. Cried uncontrollably and kept saying I wasn't enough. Therapist told me to imagine that my 13 year-old me beside me and what I would like to say to him. Wiping my tears and mucus I muttered, "Stop chasing anymore, you're enough..."
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
WOW! That is awesome. This is why IC is so important. A good IC will cut through the symptoms to get to the heart of issue. For some that is scary so they avoid it. But these things are emotional cancers. If you had colon cancer, would you want the doctor to give you diarrhea medication and send you on your way? Or would you want him to biopsy and remove the cancer? I do not get those that avoid IC, your experience is exactly why IC is a must...with a good IC! (IE, people shop around. If your IC isn't doing it for you, keep looking until you find one that does.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Totally agree with you on this Steve. I'm glad I didn't give up on therapy when the W stopped going. Now that I've let the cat out of the bag about my inner fears, I feel better about myself. Not necessarily about the M but I guess this is at least a start.
I'm taking some time to grief the loss of my M and try to be positive about life without the W in it. As much as I want the M to stay intact, I can only clean up my side of the street and the rest is up to the W.
I was re-reading sandi's threads and alot of things resonated with me now (it didn't happen when I first read it during the initial stages of my sitch). I've practically handed my balls to the W because of my insecurities. She has lost all respect for me because I have no confidence in myself at all. I have to stop saying that the kids will suffer the most in this sitch; they will turn out good/better even with a single parent if I put my best foot forward.
So for a start; any advice on how I can get my balls back? haha!
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
I do not have concrete evidence that she has EA/PA but I've always assumed she has. Maybe instead of saying open marriage I will change it to that I refuse to be in such a state.
She's going to view an apartment this saturday, if it goes well for her she will be moving out pretty soon.
She has been avoiding family gatherings and events for the past few months; I couldn't care less and I just went ahead with my kids without her.
The only thing I'm frustrated about is her frequent outings with her friends for dinner and drinks and her overnight stays which she never says where she's going. She doesn't even want to spend time with the kids and when she is with the kids, she is usually shouting at them to move their asssses to either shower or eat their food. But I do see there were moments where she was nice and calm to the kids too. Just that the shouting and her impatient moments were more than the calm ones. Should I voice this discontent to her?
Other than that, she has free reign to do whatever the F she wants; I'm not getting in her way in anything she does.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
