A day at a time

[may22]

SamCal, Pommy, Yail... thank you for the encouragement. It is hard. Actually I think it is kind of like they say when you're on a diet at first saying no to the appetizer makes you end up saying yes to dessert, because you feel like you've already denied yourself and run out of self-control? I think that is happening to me... I did so well all weekend, we did all this incredibly stressful stuff, moving everything out of the MBR and bathroom, deconstructing furniture in other rooms to make space for our bed, etc. H got frustrated a number of times and I just let it go.... and then today he said something snarky to me and I completely went off the rails.

I think I was triggered from a number of things that happened earlier in the day--I saw a mole on his back, and remembered when he was traveling a year or so ago to AP's city after he had a mole removed on his back. We were trying to get the bandage all done perfectly since he wasn't going to be able to change it for the five days of his trip... and it occurred to me, oh right. There *was* someone there to change his GD bandage. Stuff like that. Ugh. When do you ever stop thinking about that kind of thing? It just makes me so angry.

So those little things build up, I work on processing them on my own, but then I just can't handle it when he acts like a jerk. Not even alien jerk, just regular jerk... and then I start thinking OMG is this what I have signed up for??? The rest of my life with this POS?

I think as much as you are angry with H, you are also angry there is not quick fix, that there is no check-list to get through before H is fully back and remorseful and you are also leaning towards him. This is going to take time and even in looking at your whole timeline - it's still very, very short.

Yes, I think you really hit this one. I *am* angry about this part too. Also, that so much of me feels like he should be the penitent, reformed H that I feel like I should have kicked out and waited to see return, if ever did. The ones you read about in the affair recovery books who are patient with their LBS's outbursts because they know they are responsible for them and shower them with love and affection to prove their commitment all day long. That is what I want. I don't have that and I knowingly accepted less.

But it still all feels unfair to me. I didn't deserve to get cheated on and lied to. I've been dealing with this -- knowing at least about AP's existence, even though for a long time I thought it was only a minor EA-- for more than a year now. The ILYB speech was more than a year and a half ago. A big part of me right now just wants this to be over, to fast-forward to the end where my life is back to normal-- whatever that ends up looking like.

I know it doesn't feel like it because for you it is 24/7 every single minute of your life. But from an outsider, just know this is a blip in your life. No matter your future, it is a small bit of time and you will not be here forever.

So, just as a mental exercise, here's what I see. You are waiting for H to be "all in" before you are willing to be. That makes sense, I think it's how everyone would feel in your situation. It's a protection and pride thing. But let's change assumptions just to see where it goes. why do you think he has to be first? Why not you? Why can't you focus all of your energy on finding out how you can move forward to be "all in"? (Leaving him to his own internal work, of course. This is a silent exercise.).

I say this because I think it's akin to forgiveness. No matter your future, you have to work on the anger in your heart because it's driving you, and I want something else to drive you.

I've been thinking about this, a lot. It has really struck a chord with me.I think the biggest reason why I don't want to go all in first is that I did in the spring, and then got burned so badly. Also, now that I have all my questions answered and I know so much more about their relationship... it hurts, more than it did before. And honestly, there is a strong contingent of folks here-- the majority, really-- who do think I should have kicked him out. People who I respect and care about-- Blu, Alison, Scout--and... I don't know. Maybe I feel like I can hedge my bets a little and straddle both paths by waiting to see what happens on his end without putting the kids through a S unless it is absolutely necessary? Kristin's update affected me a lot too-- made me think it is just a matter of time before my H relapses again too, so why invest in our R when I can just invest in myself, right now.

I do like the forgiveness part, though. And I do so very much want to stop hurting and stop thinking about the A and AP-- for MYSELF, not for my M. This feeling is actually very new to me. I wanted to preserve the hurt and anger to use it to jettison me forward if we split up. Now, I'm simply feeling tired of feeling like this, no matter how justified it is.

Part of me feels like I should move over to the MLC board so I can grow up to be like the enlightened souls you see over there. (And, assuming I stick to this path, there is probably more support on that board for my choices than there is here.) I feel like I do want that peace in my heart regardless of what happens with my M. I'm finally starting to see that I could get that peace even without getting to M2.0.

I'm glad to hear about the post-nup progress. Does the reno of the MBR need to be some big emotional symbol?

My H can be really great at "avoidance chores," by getting really into doing X thoroughly instead of doing Y that I asked, and then not having time/energy to do Y and saying ah yeah but I did X (I think this is an ADHD thing). The MBR thing almost reads like that - he is putting a lot of emotion into it, instead of elsewhere, for whatever reason. I think your energy is best spent on you instead of figuring out his emotional landscape right now, but wanted to remark on that.

I do think that H has had some manic responses, needing to throw himself into something-- I actually think our trip was one of those things. Right after this round of R started he wanted to buy a camper van (which makes very little sense where we live) and then went on this dizzying research spell about it. I was in a pretty weird place, because I really felt like go ahead, spend your money if you want because if we split it is none of my business, but if we didn't split I thought it was a pretty ridiculous purchase. So I told him, go ahead, but we're writing it into the post nup that it comes out of your $$. But he said if we were going to split then he shouldn't buy a big camper van... it was all very circular and clearly a distraction. I do think this MBR reno is a little along those lines. But hey, I like it a lot better than a camper van

Pommy... feeding my words back to me... nice one. Hahaha. (though your H emotionally is far closer to you than mine is to me, I think.) But yes, you're right. I need to chill. Like you three are all saying.

BTW, Pommy, I put my rings back on. No big ceremony but realized I really didn't want them sitting in my dresser with workmen coming in and out of the house all day. So I put them on and told him that was why, he said ok, got it, I understand that the only reason you're putting them on is so they don't get stolen. I said, well, that is part of it, but not all of it, and said no more. So I've been wearing my rings now again for the last 24 hours. Maybe this is part of why I snapped at him, IDK.

Blu... thank you as always for your thoughtfulness and honesty. I read your post earlier today and I've been chewing on it, together with Yail's advice. Up until I got super angry with H tonight I was thinking, you know, S is just off the table right now, where we are. There is no good reason for me to take that step today. Maybe down the line. And then I thought, what would cause me to decide ok, enough is enough? And a part of me said well, I can just wait this out for another ten years, and when D8 leaves home for college I'll leave him then. Is that crazy? But it has been in my head.

And then I got so angry with him and thought enough is enough. I don't think it will happen today or tomorrow. But I know it is a possibility, for me, in a way I never really did before. I'm trying not to repeat to myself that mantra of it being over if we split, or I'm failing my kids, or whatever. Focusing on one day at a time (when I can) is helping me here. So maybe I won't be able to do it today, but I'm mulling it. It isn't a path that is closed to me, anymore. That is pretty big progress, for me.

H’s standstill is that he is still grieving the loss of OW and his fantasy life with her. He never went out into the world and experienced the natural problems that relationships have. Also, by admitting that his R with her could have failed, he then has to look at that it was a mistake. If he accepts it was a mistake, then he has to explore why. With that exploration comes the pain of learning what kind of troubled person make these choices. It is far easier to hold onto the idea that they could have had something special and continue to grieve the loss of her. I see those as interconnected. So what I’m saying is he is far from doing the self work you would need him to do in order to work on the M with you.

I think you are right on in this assessment. I will say, though, that he sees this himself too-- he's talked about this very conundrum with me. That for him to admit that the R with her wouldn't have worked out or their love wasn't real meant he made a mistake, a huge and horrifying mistake that he spent two years doing, and in order to facilitate it he became a liar (hard for someone who was a total "I cut down the apple tree" dude who couldn't even tell white lies). And he also has said he can't really bear to contemplate what it means that he did this to me for nothing, for a mistake, and that he doesn't know how he can ever forgive himself for that.

So he's built a whole house of cards based on the reality and truth of his feelings for AP that will all come crashing down if/when he admits it was all a fantasy. He says he is working on all of this with his IC. Maybe. But, I do think there is something to the fact that he at least sees this and can articulate it. He has also said that he realizes his fantasy life where we're all BFFs was indeed a fantasy and wasn't on offer from her, either-- he'd been blaming that one on me previously-- and that in the end, when it came time to actually make the leap and commit to trying out a real R with her, he couldn't do it. It wasn't worth it.

None of that to say he isn't still stuck, or will ever get unstuck. And I find his reasoning flawed-- to me, it doesn't matter how he feels about her, or if it could have worked out or not-- nothing justifies what he did. Nothing. To me, he would still need to work out all that same stuff about himself and his "ego-driven" (my IC's term) actions regardless of where we all end up. But, I also see that if you've done something that wrong, it has got to be incredibly difficult to accept it, for anyone.

I'm OK with these 2x4s, Blu. I think you're right, tbh. I have already accepted him and I have never really wavered, to him, at least, in my intention to stand for our M. I remember thinking it when I first started posting here, that I had made it so crystal clear to him how I felt about breaking up the family that he would never, ever believe that I would walk. You're also right that there is a certain stubbornness and maybe trying to show him up by standing.

phew. I'm tired and need to think on all of this more. At least coming here and posting got me back to being philosophical about all of this and I'm no longer spitting mad.

xoxo thanks, you guys. M