[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

Welcome.

Yes, there is usually a trigger that pushes the MLCer into crisis - a death, a marriage, the pressures of life, mortality, kids, finances, lost time, lost youth, etc... Long ago trauma(s) during their youth from a person in a position of authority come back to the surface. This emotional torment is ceaseless and unrelenting, a constant pain. The MLCer does not know what is happening to their life, to them, and they become desperate for some relief.

They lash out, they project their pain, they blame - onto you. Their loving spouse. We, LBS, become the target, the source of all their ills. In the MLCer’s desperate confused mind we must be at fault, for their fragile emotional self cannot face their pain. They live in denial, projecting, blaming, and expending enormous energies to maintain their fantasy reality.

Of course this trigger happens quietly and unseen by both the soon to be MLCer and LBS, usually 18-24 months before bomb drop. During this time the crisis is already started and the MLCer is so confused and trying to hold their life together. Eventually their emotional pain exploded and much damage is done.

Most MLCers have affairs, drink, spend, and so on. These running behaviours are common, like they follow a script. They become the opposite of the person you once knew. Their emotions are cranked to eleven and they cannot handle it. So they run, desperate to escape. However, one cannot escape oneself.

The LBS needs to give time and space to the MLCer, for they will take it regardless. Hopefully, with no pressure from the LBS, and plenty of time, the MLCer will see that their LBS has not been “bothering” them for some time. Then, with luck, they will consider that perhaps it is themselves, their life, that is the source of their pain and torment. They look inward and begin to walk the path towards healing.

This exit, this ending of running, this awaking, sometimes has a trigger, sometimes is just gradual (like glacier slow, seriously very slow), and sometimes they never exit, never stop running.

What would it take for a seriously mixed up and confused emotional mind to be pushed towards awaking? It is impossible to tell, for we are not them, we are not experiencing whatever they are feeling. Even the MLCer couldn’t tell you what it would take. MLC is a terrible horrible thing. Their reality is smash and skewed, twisted into a bizarre form in which they are driven to sometimes very extreme ends. My XW threw away her four children like they were old clothes; giving me sole custody without so much as a care, never mind a fight. Although my MLCer is pretty far on the extreme spectrum.

Whether a trigger or gradual really depends upon one’s perception of the time involved. Awaking is usually “caused” by some fateful intervention or karmic happenstance. The relationship with the OP blowing up is a usual occurrence. Such an illicit affair is born from deceit, their relationship built upon sand, and that is a very poor foundation to stand against the storms of life.

As their infatuation dies out, and the shininess of their relationship wears off, life asserts itself. A person in crisis cannot handle life’s pressures or anyone else’s needs or emotions. The affair partner usually becomes too demanding and the R explodes. The MLCer may move on to another person or they might look inward.

Bills pile up, a car accident, a death of a family member or close friend, or other fateful event will take place eventually. Most crisis individual do not handle these at all well. Karma might reach out as well. Illicit and illegal behaviours have consequences, penalties from back taxes, tickets, repossessions, jail, job loss, and so on.

Whatever might happen, it is best to stay clear. Give no reason to have the MLCer’s problems incorrectly projected onto you. Unfortunately, their addled mind can make some incredible irrational leaps and still blame the LBS.

I just live my life like I do when he is not here but we also do all sorts of stuff together, on his request.
Just like what a married couple with children would do but no affection.
I know in my heart that this isn't quite right altough I currently don't want anything more with him either.
All we had together as a couple is dead now, even in my head.
But there is still love from my side of course, otherwise I wouldn't be standing.

My question to you: Do I have to put a boundary on this kind of behavior?
Do I need to say. We can't be just friends and do all this stuff together and still be married?

Basically, is it necessary to put certain bounderies since we are not a couple, but still married and acting as friends?

Also, is the above behavior Limbo, or am I using the wrong word?

The road back from MLC is difficult and slow.

It is hard to know if they have stopped running. Any OP still around is definitely an indicator of still running.

If they are stopping, starting to reach back, it is a timid and slow process - like a scared squirrel reaching towards your hand. It takes patience and more patience from the LBS to remain calm and still enough for them to feel safe.

Your questions and those necessary discussions will need to be put on hold for a while. This is not sweeping things under the rug, it is deferring them to a better time.

A boundary, as stated from other posters, is for you. It is not to alter or manipulate H’s path.

From the sounds of things a boundary is not required. H comes to you when he feels comfortable enough and you, he, and the kids do family stuff. This is good. Continue to do this.

Does he attempt to go further? To join you in bed? That would be a no. Unless you are sure there is no OW. Even still, I believe more time needs to elapse for him to show his true colours. Believe none of what they say, and only half of what they do.

Your signature line states OW ended Feb 2020. If he has been OP free since, for 9 months, that is encouraging.

Once you are sure of his intentions and the absence of any OW, and there is no cake eating, ensure he is STD free, a non-negotiable stipulation in my opinion. After that, you can consider your sex life.

I would not place your situation within limbo. To me limbo is complete alienation from your spouse, and standing with no sign or reason to. H is spending time with you and the kids, that is not limbo.

You are somewhat indifferent to H, and don’t feel very affectionate. This is ok, and perfectly normal. Your current situation from what I’ve read, looks to be in an equilibrium, a static state of sorts. Perhaps you would like to alter that a bit.

You could suggest doing something together. A sort of date. This may not work, that’s ok. Pressure might still be too much for him. If you try something and it doesn’t work, don’t fret, it may work later. Give plenty of time before trying again.

To me, you are feeling a void from your indifference towards H. Those protective walls we build around ourselves during our spouse’s crazy behaviour are pretty strong. I believe you need to start lowering those walls a bit. Allow yourself to feel a bit again. In this context, yes you are in limbo, IMHO.

We can't be just friends and do all this stuff together and still be married?

Why not?

This is just a step upon the path.

Be patient and keep moving forward.

D