I follow you and am rooting for this to work out between you. I try and think about what I can add that would be useful. I’m not sure at times. As you know, this all moves soooooo very slowly and just has to unfold naturally. All any of us can do is let up on control and focus on ourselves — our patience, healing, etc etc. I see you trying to do that.
When I read your updates, I have the same thoughts. I want to try and share them and you can take it or leave it. We both know that our situations had some major differences. You see my H leaving our home as the last straw for you and the point of no return. You’ve said that many times. I now view my H having left as the only way we could turn things around. He had to go out there and let his A die a natural death and simultaneously come to realize what he had lost (our marriage, family and home). THIS devastation and rock bottom is what motivated his changes and genuine desire to work on himself. Then, after that, I considered taking him back.
And like you, I have also repeated myself in this many times. Apologies. I think we both have that in common :-) ... But I’m not just here to repeat the same song. I’m trying to help you understand where from my perspective I see you’re both at a standstill. (My very bias perspective I know!) H’s standstill is that he is still grieving the loss of OW and his fantasy life with her. He never went out into the world and experienced the natural problems that relationships have. Also, by admitting that his R with her could have failed, he then has to look at that it was a mistake. If he accepts it was a mistake, then he has to explore why. With that exploration comes the pain of learning what kind of troubled person make these choices. It is far easier to hold onto the idea that they could have had something special and continue to grieve the loss of her. I see those as interconnected. So what I’m saying is he is far from doing the self work you would need him to do in order to work on the M with you.
However, I think your standstill is of much greater importance. You are wavering between making decisions on what you can accept/need in a M with him and what you cannot. You don’t know how to make those decisions because you see him as stuck. Here is the part you won’t like and (again from where I sit) I see as the biggest issue. You already have accepted him. You have all along. Your door has been wide open to him throughout this entire process. You drew up some boundaries — not being friends in his fantasy D, ending contact with her, at times he slept in the basement, etc —but the overarching theme has been you would always be there waiting no matter what. I know I’m an annoying broken record when I say this but, I firmly believe it; we teach others how to treat us. May (2by4, I’m even flinching, don’t hate me) you have been teaching him for a long time that he can walk in/out/all over you, and you will still be there standing tall for your family. While this is what makes you amazing and strong, it also means he doesn’t have to do anything to have you. So he’s not.
The times you have pulled back (pursuer/distancer dynamic) are the times he has put in more effort. I know you get frustrated when people tell you to kick him to the curb, but I don’t think they mean it to be cruel or upset you. I think they genuinely believe that he has to experience the loss of you and all that you carry to motivate any real change here. When I read your posts, I get the sense that you are waiting for something. As if in time — weeks or months? — he will close out on his feelings for OW and appreciate you for waiting? What’s going to change and why? I’m not able to see how that’s going to happen. Because, again, from where I’m sitting, you have already accepted him back. You accepted him back before he closed out his desire for OW, before he did any work on himself, and mostly, before he learned your value. You were there all along, and almost stubbornly to prove you were the better one standing for your family. I’m afraid that also furthered his resentment. No one likes being the bad guy or reminded of it.
I think if there are any conditions for accepting someone back into a M, it should happen before you allow them back into your life. I don’t think you can just wait around, hope it might happen and then stuff your feelings so you don’t act out on them. You are a woman of very high value, May. That is maybe the only point in my post here that NO ONE here can argue. But sadly, your H cannot see that right now. I think you have a loooooot of teaching to do to undo the years of allowing him to believe otherwise.
I’m sorry. But I’m also not sorry because I can’t see how this will change without some fire under your feet. I want better for you. Let him in your life, and your bed, after he has let go of his desire for OW, after he has worked through his problems and become a better man, and mostly, after he has learned and appreciated your high value.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
