During these last 17 months, I have come so far. I thought I was "independent" a few months after, and now I see how this situation has really changed me and how I choose to stand. It is a lot more than I thought I could handle.
H still is not home. It is a little after 4:00 pm here. I can tell he has been looking at social media, so I don't know if he is on his way home or if he just had a break and thought to look and see what is going on. Not knowing has been a bit freeing as since I don't know, I am doing my own thing and he is not in the back of my mind as, "I wonder if he will want to eat when I cook" I wonder.... (Fill in the blank)
I can't do things even with him in mind since who knows if or when he will be back? So this is an interesting development for me.
It is so hard for the old-timers to convince you of how to adjust your mind. I think it's right that you have to figure it out by walking it. Glad you are learning in just 17 months. It took me about 6 years.
The main thing is this -- if you can imagine that you don't have a husband anymore, that you have split up, and that you have forgiven him and would consider taking him back if that day ever came, but it is nowhere near coming now, if you could do that and figure out a new meaning for your life that truly doesn't consider what he is doing, thinking, saying, eating, etc., that is the key to standing. Standing means that you don't shut the door if H ever came back. But PLC, he is GONE. There is no point in noticing what he does/says/thinks/eats, and doing that will be perceived by him in the opposite way you want. But most importantly, it will keep your heart and mind so raw that you will have trouble healing. The goal of no-contact is not to punish your H. It's to give you the space to heal.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
