A day at a time

[may22]

Just a quick journal note to say-- I had a situation yesterday when I wanted so badly to dump on him, again, for having the A and to temp check and see where he was with "getting over" AP. It wasn't anything he was doing, just us needing to make some decisions around renovating the MBR and all those feelings cropping back up inside me, angry that we are in this situation, angry that I can't feel good about the MBR reno as a symbol of our M getting repaired, as he says he thinks it should be. We just aren't there, in my mind.

But instead of venting out my emotions on him, I went outside, FINALLY did a short yoga practice after all these months of not being able to get myself to practice. Cuddled with my daughters and read a book for a bit, and the urge to vent went away. I think this is the first time in a long while that I've had such an overwhelming urge to spew and managed to circumvent it, so that feels good. (We did get in a stupid fight an hour or so later, and part of me wonders if my reaction there was partially fed by the deep well of anger I have towards him about the A, but baby steps, right?)

We are going with a more expensive contractor than I would have chosen for the renos if it were just up to me, but (a) it will be my house if we split and (b) he agreed that we could write the difference into the post-nup as an additional lump sum I'd get. He sure doesn't like to talk about the post-nup. He wants to spend more money because this is our bedroom, this is an investment for the rest of our lives, etc. Part of me says okay, that makes sense. Part of me does not. This has all been good motivation for me to move forward on getting it drafted, which I have.

My IC wants to know what it will take for me to start trusting him again, and/or whether I'll ever be able to trust him again. I have been thinking about this and decided-- why bother worrying about this right now? If he doesn't do the work he needs to do on himself and get over AP in his head/heart, then there is zero reason for me to worry about trying to trust him again. I don't want an H who holds a candle for another woman in the long run. I can just continue to work on my own emotions and processing them without jumping ahead into whether or not I care to try and trust him again. If/when he gets to that place where he's ready to piece-- OK, then, I am open to working on trust and all the rest. If he never gets there, then that is when I will need to make the hard decisions... but I don't want to get ahead of myself either.

CW, if you're reading... just do the next right thing, right?