So I made an effort to connect with H and be outside with him and gently shared what I believed child was going through (gently, no blame, just matter of factly).
Somehow, that erupted into a mini-fight between us, where he blamed me for dumping emotional baggage on him whenever I wanted (children were not present).
I think that it would be impossible for your H to hear this without feeling the blame-- not necessarily from you, but from himself (though he might offload it onto you in his mind). If he hadn't made the choices he had, your daughter would not be crying inside on her birthday. He knows this. You know this too. I don't have advice, really, except that this leading into a fight and him going on the offense seems totally predictable.
The reading of the journal and using it to condemn you and rewrite history is so maddening and at the same time, total script-following, right? He has secrets and so assumes you do too, and snoops to find out. He reads your private journal and twists what he finds into justification for his behavior-- see, Sage never loved me! See, she has moved on!
My H has done this too-- not the snooping part but the rewriting of history, bringing up the boyfriend I had before him and claiming I've always held a candle for him, finding ways to "prove" I never loved him the way he loved me, that even now I don't love him but a idealized version of him, calling the SSM my "affair." It all comes from the same place of self-loathing and grasping at straws to build a narrative in which what he has done isn't so bad. I think you have to understand where this is all coming from. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the battles raging in his own head.
What to do? If it were me, I'm sure I would write that email and say what you read was about YOU and F you for reading my private journals and F you even more for trying to make me feel bad about them. Ha. However, I don't really think that is a great idea. He isn't in a place where that has any meaning to him right now. He'll just discard that list and find the next thing to grab onto to "prove" his point, or he'll think you're lying (since he would have lied about it, he will probably assume you would too). And, one thing I read about here a lot and have observed in my own H is that their memories are TERRIBLE. So it may be useless to even try. He'll discard whatever data points don't fit his hypothesis. I wouldn't be surprised if you did write him that email that a few months down the line, if that list is still somehow part of his narrative, if he forgets that you told him it was about him and will continue to use it as "evidence" you don't love him anymore.
And think about what your dad said. Not your circus, not your monkeys. No need to prove yourself or your love to someone who doesn't speak the language right now.
As an aside, I would bet that things aren't so rosy with OW. Having MO probably puts pressure on her (she has a family too, right?) and we all know how much WASs hate pressure.
I'm glad you're feeling more balanced and less angry. I need to cultivate that feeling, still-- it comes and goes for me.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
