I do have one comment that scares me, you mentioned eventually the MLC has to end and I know my goal is to stand longer than the MLC. But this little voice inside wonders if he really wasn’t happy married to me and he won’t ever end this journey. I understand I would have to make the decision to no longer stand, but I am sure I am not the only one that wonders this. Can we have misdiagnosed MLC?
Both Sage and peace are correct. You are on your journey and H is on his.
The diagnosis of MLC is not something one can be 100% assured of; it’s not like a blood test would show it, not that our spouses would submit to such a thing. MLC, WAS, etc. matters little. Your path is your path.
My previous comment about standing and outlasting MLC, I thought might cause some concern. Sorry about that.
Nothing about MLC, or life for that matter, is guaranteed. The person in crisis might become whole and healed, or they might never exit their fantasy world, forever tumbling down the rabbit hole. They could also exit and not be able to, or want to, face what they’ve done, choosing their life such as it is; too old and tired of running, resigned to their less than happy, consequence filled life.
And there is the LBS’ path. How long does one stand? How long does one “try” to outlast this? How long does one hope? And so on. These are question all of us grapple with.
Standing for you is at the crux of outlasting this. When you stand for you, then it is only you that needs to reinforce your desire to stand. Standing is not contingent upon the behaviour of H. It is also only you that would end your stand, not H, or friends, or family, or whatever.
Trying to outlast MLC: There is no try. Do, or do not, outlast. It’s a mindset. Granted the end date of MLC, if it happens, is not in your control. However, your “doing” is within your control. Trying almost predisposed one for failure.
Outlasting MLC, may not be in the “we are reconciled” form. We get passed all this mess. We regain our lives. We find and live our beliefs. We heal. Reconciliation is a bonus, not the goal. The goal of this “game” is you, and how you “play” matters a lot.
You can stand, and far longer than you feel is possible. I know the voice of doubt you hear - maybe my spouse actually wasn’t happily married to me. And perhaps they won’t ever resolve their MLC. I would be standing all that time for nothing.
Standing is for you!
My stand is just a way of life right now. XW and I don’t talk or communicate. She is still living with OM. I am happy and living my life.
Standing at its most basic - don’t date. I remain kind and cordial on those rare occasion where her and I did communicate - graduation and such. I have compassion, understanding, and found forgiveness. So, basically be kind, lead a good life, and don’t date.
Lots of people post divorce choose not to date. Standing has another competent - I realize I would be willing to explore if XW and I have any spark left. If her and I had any passion or desire left. I am currently willing to date her, if/when she were to exit her messed up world.
That doesn’t change a whole lot in my day to day activities of life. If she never exits her tunnel, I’ve lived as a single guy. I won’t/don’t consider that lost or wasted time.
Standing down: One realizes they would not be, or currently are not, willing to date or explore the possibility of a spark with their ex spouse.
Your goal of standing longer than MLC - I have the same one. Paradoxically to achieve this, one doesn’t focus on the goal; outlasting becomes an emergent effect of standing for you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
