Oh May, you have no idea what your post means to me. Thank you, sweet friend afar. (((May)))
Interestingly enough, my anger phase was short-lived. I mean, the anger and frustration pops its gnarly little head out briefly here and there when I am dealing with too much for one person to deal with at once. But for the most part, the anger is gone and I am trending towards compassion.
I have always relied on my intuition to help me navigate my life. I honestly don't know if it's correct until time passes, but for the most part, it has served me well.
H came home from his work trip with OW client and came over for socially-distanced birthday wishes for our birthday child. I thought he might just stop by for a minute (I suggested we meet somewhere other than my home, but he needed to grab something so I acquiesced). But it ended up being a couple of hours. I got the distinct sense that he wasn't in a good place; and my first intuitive hit was that maybe things weren't as rosy cozy with OW as I originally thought. I have absolutely no idea if I am correct or not.
Our birthday child had a meltdown over something insignificant and came in the house to cry (H was staying outside 6 feet away and masked). Child kept saying 'this isn't what I thought my birthday would be like, this isn't what I expected, we are not following the plans!' (We had written a list of all the things child was going to do that day, complete with times-- and more or less we were following the 'plans' to a T). I had this realization that it was too hard for child to have both of us there, but not together in a loving way like she wanted. So I made an effort to connect with H and be outside with him and gently shared what I believed child was going through (gently, no blame, just matter of factly).
Somehow, that erupted into a mini-fight between us, where he blamed me for dumping emotional baggage on him whenever I wanted (children were not present). He mumbled something mean and started to walk away. And I reminded him that this home is my sacred space and he can't come here and be mean to me. That my preference was to meet in a neutral place so he could have his time with birthday child and I wouldn't be triggered. So then he brought up that blasted journal that he read of mine. It was an exercise a spiritual healer gave me in April, where I was to write a present-tense list of what I was feeling and where I was at in my relationship in two years' time. It was all about H, but no names were mentioned.
H is using this as evidence that I don't love him and never have, that I had moved on, that my 'list' is evidence of that. But nothing could be further from the truth. That list was all about HIM. Where WE would be at in two years' time. In fact, during our last reconciliation attempt, I asked him a few times if I could share something with him, an exercise that I was given that I wanted him to know about and that I hoped he would do too. He didn't give me a chance to share it with him during that time period, but now it is being used against me.
Friends, what do I do? Part of me wants to write an email and say how much I have loved him, beyond anyone else in my life, for years and years. And that the list was all about HIM. And the other part of me wants to continue this new, true detachment and just shrug my shoulders and say 'nothing I say or do will change his current narrative, protect yourself, Sage'. It is hard to have this used against me, with how loving and honest the intention was (and FFS, what was he doing snooping in my journals anyway?!?!).
Help me here!
On another note, I had a 'sitting' with a psychic about my situation and the first thing that came up was that H had lifelong insecurities about being lovable and that I was the best candidate for showing H true love; that I was love incarnate, which is what my family and friends say about me. But that the skeletons in his closet meant that no one on this earth could fill that bottomless cup and I had to let him go (maybe forever, maybe until he does enough work on himself). More significantly, my dearly loved, departed dad showed up and said 'You know I am here. Detach, disassociate; not your circus, not your monkeys, Babygirl' (totally his voice, totally the words he would use, and there were other things that the person said about my Dad that no one could have known). Sob. Ever since that interaction I have felt myself move into a different place. For the first time I can interact with H and not feel anything. Not the sadness that would completely overwhelm me. Not even the anger or hatred. In fact, I feel compassion for a person who feels himself to be unlovable.
I am grateful for the detachment, whether it came from a medium, or if it was just my time, is irrelevant. Sitting in this place is helpful for me at the moment.
