Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

I know this is so difficult. This is one thing that you can really only get from your H as long as you stay M. I know my H really struggled with this too. All I can say is that I didn't comprehend at all what it meant to him and the damage the constant rejection was doing. Your H is not the most empathetic of individuals... I'm going to guess that he really isn't able to see it. He may hear you and the trying is there, but at a deep, gut level he really doesn't understand why it matters so much. So telling him, getting angry at him, responding with fake enthusiasm or resentment when he does try-- none of that really helps, I'm guessing. He needs to truly want to understand how his behaviors are affecting you, and he needs to decide on his own that he wants to rediscover his own sexuality.

I know his EA is far in the rearview mirror, but I'm sure it doesn't help to know that he was able to act romantically and express desire towards his EAP. But... have you read the Nagowski book yet? It could be the context of the EA is what allowed him to have those feelings and express them, and (again, this needs to be his work, with your support) it isn't really bad news, even if it feels personally hurtful. It may just mean he needs to figure out the context in which he feels open to feeling and expressing desire, and how to integrate that into your M. And yes, I'm sure that the anger and resentment probably doesn't help him want to explore any of that.

Can you 100% just drop the rope on this? Stop initiating and remove all of your expectations of what he should or shouldn't be doing in this arena? if he does initiate, take it for what it is, have fun, don't pick apart if it seemed forced or too fast or whatever-- just experience and enjoy it without the weight of what it *isn't*, and smile and move on. I wonder if that is a 180 you can try. It would also give him the space to act without the weight of knowing what you want or expect from him in this area, and feeling like he isn't measuring up. I also wonder if totally dropping the rope on this would allow him to begin to show you affection in other ways.

I don't know if it would be best to tell him you're doing this explicitly or just do it. I lean towards telling him since you two are partners and piecing. I know my H did this in our R, stopped initiating to "see" how long it would take for me to initiate, and I felt betrayed after the fact that he was testing me like that without my knowledge. Of course, he was using that test as justification for starting an A, so that was pretty f-ed up and a big difference with your own motivations here... but it might be a good idea to just keep everything open on this topic as it is already fairly fraught.

Hope you are doing well. xx M