Mar, a few gems of advice are in what these lovelies have written to you. Sometimes what is simple is most helpful.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
"searching for the 'why' answer" is a completely normal part of the process. Also - not super helpful - as it continues to put the focus on your W versus you.
Yes, it is completely part of the process, and it might go on for a while. So don't beat yourself up over digging for the why-why-why because I do think we need to go through that. But as Valeska said, try to bring your thoughts back to yourself when possible. Over time, you'll start to see that you might not ever get an answer to your "why" - no matter what the outcome is. You have to make peace with the fact you will never fully understand it. I knew I was healing when I stopped asking "why", because I knew it didn't matter in the end.
Regarding the ILYBNILWY statements: I don't know if this helps or makes it worse for you, but it helped me. I just reminded myself that my XW DID love me. She might not now, but what we had was real and true and it lasted for a good long while. For me that was my comfort. I could move forward knowing we were not inauthentic, it's just that it had changed.
Getting dressed up (anything but sweatpants, really) and going out is incredibly important. You have to remember you are more than just a W and partner - you are a productive member of society who is connected to the world around you. You have permission to withdraw some, but don't ever do it fully. Even spending time in nature by yourself is worth it because you simply cannot sit behind 4 walls 24-7 and expect to feel good about yourself. I'm glad you know this.
