The existence of OM2 has made me question myself all over again - even when OM1 may be out of the picture she's still seeking out others and not me, and people who are drastically different.
It's not the other man #1 or #101. It is her fantasy that keeps her jumping from man to man. Of course she is not seeking you out, b/c she doesn't want that relationship. That's one reason a WW will usually have some OM that is nothing like her H. She wants to escape her old life.
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Also the OM2 situation did get to me. I suppose I need to work harder on detaching. During the weeks is fine but on kids transition when I she her and then hear news like this, it shows I'm not 100%. I guess I feel into the trap of many LBSs that she fell hard for her co-worker/AP/OM1 who was in the right place at the right time and if/when that ended she might come out of the fog and see how good of a husband/father I am. Instead she's just turning to the next guy, so obviously it's not a one-off thing and she still sees me as the enemy. I've thought about this while contemplating dating on my own as well.
Look, this didn't happen b/c you've been a bad husband/father. That's one of the distinguishing features about a wayward W. She lost respect for you as a man. It's how she sees you. She carried around resentment toward you, and she blames you for her unhappiness. Whether or not she ever says those exact words......this is the foundation of waywardness. The mindset of a WW is not a pretty picture! In other words, the problem is her....not you. And now, she is acting out in rebellion, just like a teenager!
Don't compare yourself with OM. Don't hold your breath, hoping any day she'll snap out of her waywardness and see what a treasure you are. Something might happen to shake her senses, but recovering from a wayward mindset is a process. She can decide to do the right thing, but that doesn't mean her feelings for you will all be resolved and returned to normal the minute she ends her affair. This is what many newcomers don't grasp. She can recover, but it is tough b/c it requires hard work on her inner self. She has to work through all that garbage in her head/heart, before she can be the loving W you desire. Ending her affair and returning home is not an automatic cure, like some LBH's think. She doesn't just bounce back to her old self. It's necessary for her to take these steps (and more), but her problem is in her heart.
The fact that your WW has been talking behind your back is not surprising. I think a WW talks bad about the LBH, to try and justify her reason for leaving and getting involved with OM. If she can convince her relatives, friends, & co-workers that her H was a jerk, she thinks it will elevate herself in their eyes.
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Unfortunately the encounter with W's grandmother (not the encounter itself but the follow up days later) shook me a bit. All the phone calls and voicemail from her about how she should have called the police, and W's attorney wrote a letter threatening to charge me with trespassing...all because I show up a bit early to pick up D2 for my scheduled evening with the kids. I don't know if W's grandmother (84) is starting to have elderly issues or if this is purposefully malicious but I didn't do a single thing that could be construed as threatening. I just went to pick up my daughter. It's a shame there's such an escalation on W's side instead of being reasonable. I read on heard WWs aren't rational, but it's still hard to get my head around it.
That sounds as if your W has influenced her GM that you can't be trusted. When they start threatening to call police and/or have the attorney send you threatening letters..........it's time to pull way back from your in-laws. I understand they are related to your children, and maybe GM babysits, IDK. But you are walking on dangerous grounds when you can't go there to pick up your kids, without having charges brought against you.
I hope your lawyer will fight for your rights as a father. It's okay to hear something isn't that big of a deal, but I would want to know how to proceed in picking up your children from the in-laws. Do you call ahead to let GM know you are on your way there, so she won't be taken off guard? There needs to be some solution, where you aren't at risk when you go to get your children.
P.S. The WW wants to escape to a new & better life (which usually includes another man). She doesn't want "to work" on herself. In fact, she doesn't want to "work" at anything, especially a relationship. She just wants to feel in love, without any effort whatsoever. Some WW's who leave the H will tell him that she's working on herself.........but it's a lie! Reality = work. Fantasy = play.
P.S. #2......As for the dating thing, I suggest you read Wolfman's updates.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
