Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

I updated on my own thread the last couple of days on where I am in all of this and I don't think we are ready for MC at this point. I want to just focus on myself for a bit, figuring out how to process my own emotions and leave H be to his.

That being said, for you guys-- I sense that your H is having a tough time facing his own actions-- not even being able to name what he did as an A is pretty major denial for starters. It is good that he feels relief in talking about these things and not carrying them around inside. Have you guys talked at all about what other truths there might still be left to be discovered?

Also, thinking that maybe for the time being letting him process all this on his own a bit and not pushing him faster than he is willing to be pushed is a good idea. Assuming the MC is a professional and can gauge the right amount of pressure that H can take. Even though this experience is validating for you, I still don't think you want your H to feel as though he is being ganged up on. I could be wrong but from his behavior and responses in the past, it doesn't seem he responds well to that, necessarily. If your H is saying he feels you're going over old ground and that isn't helpful for him (even though it is for you), what would H find helpful from a session and maybe you could let him start with that next time?

I've been thinking recently about the conversations I had in the fall and early spring with my DB coach, and re-read my notes from them. She said multiple times that the number one predictor of couples that recover from an A and go on to M2.0 is friendship, backed by Gottman's work. She talked about romance being the fruit of the tree of the R, and right now it looks dead from the outside. You need to water the roots and have the leaves come out before it is ready to fruit again. The roots, trunk, branches are your friendship and you can't pick the fruit before it is ready-- patience being my biggest challenge. Anyway, I say that in response to this:

Aside from all that, H and I have done what we do best - get on, be affectionate, cuddle a lot, go cycling together - perfect companions, all without the deep level of emotional intimacy that we are both looking for.

I know people here are super worried about being friend-zoned and of course Esther Perel talks about a lot of that and the general disconnect between long-term relationships and desire in Mating in Captivity. But that definitely wasn't the view of the DB coach and MWD, Gottman, and Glass all really focus on spending time together and working on your friendship as a first step in affair recovery (once you've dealt with all the fallout of the discovery), that the feelings will come back in time. So IDK. I maybe wouldn't worry about it so much. It isn't really within your control anyway. If you're enjoying yourself on the bike rides and OK with him being there and not moving forward with S or D, then I would push you to just be okay with where you are right now. You have plenty of time.

Honestly-- being friends with your H is not the worst thing in the world. And once he gets some time and space and distance from the OW, can start to process his own emotions and behaviors and what they mean, there is time for your connection together to deepen and resurface. But it will probably be slower if you are poking at it all the time. (Telling myself this too.)

My rings are still off too. IDK when I'll put them back on. I'm not going to worry about it for now. Maybe it does come across as pressure for your H to think you're waiting for some big sign from him to put them back on and he doesn't know what to do about that. From a 180 standpoint... I wonder what would happen if you did just put them back on and not say anything. It could be a signal to him that you are willing to open the door to him as he stands on the doorstep and work on the M. They are just rings after all and only have the significance you place on them. I'm not suggesting you do that if it doesn't feel right to you, but maybe it would help to just lighten things up a bit if you could say, OK, I'm here too, I'm willing to work on our M even though I'm not feeling everything I want to feel right now. It is more like thinking about love as an action rather than a feeling. Just a thought for you to take or leave.

Hang in there, Pommy.

xx M