Caught in limbo

[sandi2]

One of the most common mistakes in reconciliation I've observed, is when the couple tries to resume without a plan. Call it a blueprint, requirements, or a guide to follow..........you need direction. I don't know the details or what was said between the two of you when she decided to go home. Just returning back to the marital home without some critical agreements in place, is almost a guarantee the MR will not be fulfilling for the couple. If either spouse thinks their reconciliation/piecing will resemble a honeymoon, then they are at risk........IMO. There are a few exceptions where the couple have great sex for a while, but eventually, they learn there is a lot more to all of this reconciling/piecing. This is much more than "making up", and feelings for both spouses are going to be fragile.

For me, learning how affairs (even emotional affairs) work in the brain, was probably the key ingredient. It's like a feel good chemical, that's much like being "in love". I wasn't actually in love with the OM, but the A made me feel alive and excited. I wanted to be in love, b/c it was all a fantasy. When I read the science behind it, and how it works like a drug, that helped me understand and fight the cravings to contact the OM. It took me months to get through it, but understanding why I was experiencing all those feelings helped me. God, prayer, and the board gave me encouragement and strength.

Frankly, I had no desire to stay with my H. The board would ask me if I would commit to the M. The way I felt at the time, it sounded like a death sentence. You see, I had not felt remorse at that point, and I was very resentful, so it was a lot for me to say I was committed to my M. Finally, I decided I would do the right thing. That's how I was raised........to do the right thing. It's sounds crazy, considering I had become wayward, but in my soul I knew what I should do. Well, guess what? That decision did absolutely nothing for my feelings! You have to learn that emotions were never designed to make decisions. Making the decision is the first step. I made the decision based on my spiritual/moral beliefs, and eventually the right feelings caught up. The problem for your W at the moment, is her feelings want to be in control. Her feelings gauged everything. Affairs thrive on feelings, and she is craving the excitement it gave her. Her core values need to direct her actions.

Willingness is a must in a WW recovery. WW's are full of stubborn pride, until they actually have that come to Jesus moment. I decided I would behave respectfully toward my H, in spite of the fact I didn't feel respect right then. Disrespect and resentment are the seeds that start the whole wayward movement. Eventually, I felt respect for him, but I had to go through that process I talked about previously.

When I speak of agreements, I am referring to important things you set up as a requirement to reconciling the MR. As the wayward spouse, your W really shouldn't be laying down any ground rules or conditions, b/c you are the betrayed and it should be up to you (as the leader) how the two of you will proceed. For instance, attending therapy should be a condition she should agree to. Transparency should be another condition. Since it's been a couple of months, it might not go over very well with her, IDK. But listen, when you read this post, don't go running to her to talk about all of this. You need to TALK TO US, not her. Not until you know what you are doing. There's no way we can get everything in a couple of posts, so that's why we tell you not to do anything before running it by the board first.

Here are a few things the WW needs to experience/process in order to fully recover. This is just to give you some idea.
(These are in no special order).

1.) Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind.
2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss, and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.
5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, self-centeredness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H. She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame, anger, and hurt she held throughout their M.
9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her.
12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H.
13). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself.

Again, don't discuss any of this with her right now. Please ask questions about any of this you don't understand.