I really appreciate the support. I do need to take care of myself and probably will buy that plane ticket but my perspective has changed a bit since yesterday. I spent hours reading posts on the MLC thread and it has become clearer that this is what my W is experiencing. She had a hysterectomy 2.5 years ago and I think that was the catalyst. All of her behaviors over the past 2 years align with MLC actions. Then again, I could just be searching for the perfect answer to my ever present "why".
Her behaviors and reactions are a rollercoaster. For example, this morning she was sitting in the kitchen and I went over to her and said, "good morning" and kissed her on the forehead and just walked away. I have been trying my damndest to DB. I went back to the MBR, laid in bed and turned the news on.
10 minutes later she comes and sits on the bed besides me with a very pained look on her face and asks, "what is going on with you". My response, "I'm just trying to figure out how to do this". She starts a R conversation. I tried to validate as mush as possible. The gist of the conversation, she does not want a divorce but knows that our marriage is over. She doesn't know if she could ever give me the things I want, ie love, affection, trust, intimacy, sex, etc. I offered to leave for a while to give her space and she got angry. Told me she wasn't asking me to leave my home. I said I knew she wasn't asking I was offering. She said a couple of more things and I then asked her to tell me what she wanted. Big mistake, she yelled at me "don't ask me what I want". She caught herself and apologized for yelling. But it was the end of the conversation.
She really has no idea what she wants and I think she has a supreme emotional battle raging within. She does realize that something internally is not right but she can't overcome it. She went to a hormone specialist a couple of weeks ago and those were the test results we were looking at the other day. Some of her numbers were way off. I pray it's just some major hormonal imbalance that can be fixed.
I think I need to stay and just be her Lighthouse. I do need to do some serious GAL but difficult with COVID and working from home. My area is talking about a resurgence and considering pulling back on recent openings. Maybe I will do a weekend getaway to my BF out of state. By the way, my BF is the only one that knows about my current sitch.
