Caught in limbo

[SteveLW]

Firstly I need to stop expecting so much from my wife during these early days, I need to stop looking for validation from her and stop the needy behaviours, I need to go with the flow more and find a right balance between showing her love and getting on with my own things.

Expectations are bad, no doubt. However, what we have tried to get you to see is that her leaving for another man and then wanting to come back.....you rightfully SHOULD have expectations of her. Those expectations should have been clearly established. Letting you read and confirm the sending of the cease and desist message to OM. IC for her. IC for you. MC for you both, eventually. Full transparency. No secret phones, accounts, etc.

Stop acting like the problem here. She is in "poor me" victim mode. You aren't the one that left the marriage, and went and shacked up with someone else, she is. THis is the point sandi and I have been making to you. She should have had to earn her way back into the marriage. You greased the skids, let her slide back in, she doesn't value coming back as a result, and now you are struggling.

However.......

Last night as the phone thing had been bugging me so much I asked my wife straight out if there had been any contact been her and the OM and she said no and handed me her phone to have a look. I told her I was concerned that she had pulled back a little and that was the reason I was asking and I said to her that it would take time for me to fully trust again.

Where in any of the advice you received did you get the advice to confront her on the phone and speak to her about your concern she pulled back? sandi and I have both suggested you come to the board first before taking steps like this. We could have talked you down off the ledge. Told you to let it lie. To not make things worse. WHen your WAW/WW is "pulling back", the only way to make it worse is to pressure and pursue them. You spend time in this post talking about "finding the right balance", however this kind of move is not finding the right balance.

Have you read sandi's rules? Have you read DR? Or are you flailing around in the dark just going on instinct and feeling? Being reactive and too impulsive will not help your situation. At all.

I think Sandi2 has hit the nail on the head about how my wife is feeling right now and she is working through her conflicting feelings and the doubts she has about why she isn't feeling the way she wants to feel about me. She said that initially when she came back her feelings where really intense but have since calmed down a little and she has said her feelings right now are all over the place. She has been honest and said that she doesn't want to be with OM and wants to be with me but she did have feelings for OM and now that's over she is going through the motions of that ending. She has said that she does love me she knows that and the time she came back before she just was not ready as she still had a lot of anger towards me and the OM was still convincing her to be with him as they where still working together.

"She has been honest"

Has she? Really? Or did she panic when life with OM wasn't rainbows and unicorns, and then came waltzing back into the MR. And without doing the work necessary now has slipped back into the old comfort zone that led to OM to begin with! This is what I am trying to get you to see WMWB. Going back to "business as usual" will be setting you up for another BD!

Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WWs do not flip a switch from waywardness to not being wayward anymore. This is what sandi was trying to get you to see. If it seemed as easy as flipping a switch then it was not real and lasting.

I assured her that it was normal how she was feeling right now and yes we both have our doubts and insecurities but we need to try and stop putting so much pressure on ourselves. She said she just doesn't feel there yet but is optimistic we can get through this together and she believes she will get there and she just needs time and that she is committed to the process. My wife did say it hadn't helped that i've smothered her and she just wants some normality between us (this is where I need to find the right balance) and for me to give her a little space.

Stop assuring her. Stop asking her about your actions. what they should be or if they are too much. Stop making excuses for her. What should WMWB be doing?

1) Stop spending so much time with her. I think this is the basis of your problem. When you first posted you were told to go GAL. That should not have been temporary. That should have been a permanent new state. I started doing things in my sitch and still do them to this day! Your first post back you said right away you were spending a lot of time with her, and I knew that was a huge red flag. That is why I said stop spending so much time with her. Sitting there watching her on her phone every night is killing you. Get out and be busy!!

2) How are your 180s coming? What have you done to improve yourself? How are those going? What other opportunities to improve do you have? Surely you didn't just sit and wait for your W to come back? Surely you were trying to become the best WMWB could be? Because I can tell you that walking around on eggshells, worrying about her all the time, starting weak discussions about phone usage and pulling back isn't it. You need really start looking at self-improvements and stop being spineless when it comes to her.

3) You are already wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too attached again. Did you work on detachment at all during your situation? Or again, did you just sit and wait hoping she'd come back? You need to get to a good place individually, where you can be happy and flourish if she stays, if she leaves again, etc. Remember WMWB, we live in an imperfect world. There is always the chance a spouse decides to leave, but there is also accidents and disease, and malfeasance, that could take our spouse away from us at anytime!. If you are overly attached to another person it can make moving on in the event of the unspeakable nearly impossible. Look up "self-differentiation in marriage" for good information on what detachment and healthy differentiation looks like. Until you get your attachment under control you will continue to impulsively smother her. WASs can feel the slightest pressure and crack under it.

Please at least deeply consider the advice you get here. You seem to be extremely impulsive which you really need to get under control. But you've been given advice about IC for you both, and MC together for you both, and other things and seemed to have glossed over that. Trust me, having been through it twice, looking back with regrets (I should have done IC, insisted she did IC, that we did MC, etc) is not something that is fun. Make the decision that you will leave no stone unturned so you can look back, no matter what happens, without regrets. It would be terrible for her to leave again in 6 months and for you to look back and say "I should have done IC, insisted that she did too, and than required MC as well."

Finally, you really seem to be a bit lowly in all of this. Lowly doesn't command respect. For women, attraction is firmly attached to respect. Women are not attracted to men they do not respect. Go back and read your posts since you came back.......do you think you've been commanding respect? Or has she been leading in all of this, and kind of walking over you? Something to think about. Use knowledge as your power. Knowing that for women attraction follows respect works in your favor. (Make sure you are COMMANDING RESPECT rather than demanding respect. That means actions, not words.)