Question for you guys on the above interaction... he's pulling back out the control narrative, that I'm telling him not only what to do but how to think and feel when I say things like this. I guess I am, but also feel like what I have now (sad sack here in body, not in heart) is not what I want. I partially feel like my own needs have been suppressed for so long during all of this that I don't want to keep that dynamic going as we move forward. And partially it is me trying, maybe unsuccessfully, to acknowledge where I am today-- subpar sitch-- without fast forwarding to where that takes us in the future. I don't know why I feel the need to communicate that to him, though. But clearly me saying anything is not helping, so I need to just drop that and let it go, for now? Shut it and validate? (Valeska, if you're reading-- I said "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way" and he got super annoyed, thinks I'm just mouthing the words. Which maybe I am.)
A note on validation from my perspective - people overdo it here when giving advice to validate-validate-validate. Sometimes, you simply need to be sure you are not INvalidating someone.
So, when H shares something unsavory with you you don't invalidate him by telling him he is wrong, or his feelings are stupid or unworthy or not real. That is invalidating him as a person. As an entity and a human being into himself he has the right to think and feel as he wishes. But you don't have to repeat everything back and say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" (which isn't really validation - it's just a phrase people say that sounds nice but isn't really acknowledging their feelings).
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is about how YOU feel about HIS feelings. Validation isn't about how you feel. It's simply acknowledging that he has the right to feel his own feelings and they are valid.
Sometimes a simple, "I see" or nodding when H shares with you is all that's needed to validate. Just that you've heard and acknowledge that he has his own thoughts. Your opinion has no place in it.
And, a gentle push here May. Your fighting him when he does share with you is invalidating him with actions. He shares, you are telling him he's wrong. So turning around and trying to validate verbally after I can see why he doesn't believe you on that. But you see the areas where you are reacting when you shouldn't be, and I applaud you for working on them. Keep going on this work.
