Through The Storm IV

[may22]

Oh, Kristin. (((Kristin)))

I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going. I understand not wanting to post and get involved and what that can do to you mentally. (Wayfarer is taking a break for the same reason.)

I was reading back earlier in this thread and thinking of our timelines. I posted in mid-May that many of the same things you were struggling with six weeks into reconciliation were similar to where my H and I were at that same interval, and that three months in things seemed a lot better. Little did I know that three weeks later I'd get another BD after AP reached out. And it looks like you had a similar trajectory, things seeming a lot better, finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling like you're maybe getting into piecing when AP reaches back out and everything falls apart again in month four. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to support you through that but know I have been thinking of you all along.

(As an aside, maybe when we are both ready for this, it might be helpful for others if we looked at our sitches and others who had failed R attempts and see where the similarities might be in our spouses' behavior, compared to those who worked it out? Or in our own behavior? I know what vets will say is that we didn't make our Ss try hard enough to get back in, and that could be true. But I'm wondering if there are other signs to look for that could be helpful to others in the future.)

Are you in IC right now? I'm wondering if you've spent time thinking through your boundaries and how to protect yourself first and foremost. It feels so wrong and hurtful for your W to be openly communicating with AP. It really seems to me that you will never be able to have any sort of MR with your W with AP in the picture in any form, friends, contact at all, whatever. Sorry, you don't get to be BFFs with your AP afterwards. It just doesn't work that way.

KG, you sound strong. I think you will have no regrets if you move forward with D. You've done everything humanly possible to stand for your M and at some point you need to take a clear eyed look at your W and whether or not she is capable of being the W you need and deserve. She isn't, right now, and she hasn't been for a long time, though it sounds like you saw glimpses of that W during your reconciliation attempt. Can you erect strong enough boundaries to protect yourself and your hard-won path towards detachment if she remains in the house?

At least before, it seemed like she understood she had to pick one or the other, she couldn't keep cake-eating forever... but is her plan now that she can live in the guest room and cake eat for the rest of your lives together? I think there is a lot of hard introspection and healing and work that needs to take place in the WAS to have a chance at M2.0, and not everyone is capable of it. Maybe your W doesn't have that capacity. Maybe she just has never had enough motivation. But the way she is treating you now and has treated you over the course of all of this is really not OK, not how you treat someone that you love and respect and are MARRIED TO, FFS.

BTW, if your W loses her childhood home because you buy her out or you need to sell it in the D because neither of you can afford to buy the other out, that is on her, not on you. Please don't feel a speck of guilt about any of that.

My advice to you-- get legal counsel, even if you did prior to this, because the house is a big new asset that may complicate things. Understand your rights and work to unravel any remaining fear you have about D. Really look inward and focus on yourself and what you need, what your boundaries should be, how you can protect yourself no matter what happens going forward. And then take a good, hard look at your W, her behaviors, how she is treating you and if you want to continue living with her under the current circumstances. And whatever you decide, know that I support you and care about you.

xx M