Through The Storm IV

[KristinG]

Update and Thoughts:

Ww and I began reconciliation attempt in April of this year. She cut contact with AP, asked me to move in, and said that she had to make a decision and felt there would be less regret if she chose me. That if she had chosen AP, she felt that she would feel far more regret about losing me. I don't think either one of us were fully prepared. Our communication improved and we were working toward healing together.

In June, we had an opportunity to buy her childhood home at a great deal with a gift of equity. The decision made sense for us and what our dreams of future would be. We bought the house. At this point, all my chips are on the table. We spent almost all of the money we had saved on renovations and I thought I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Moving through it together felt good.

Towards the end of July, AP made contact to let Ww know that she had gotten a job at the same company and didn't want any awkward interactions if they were to bump into one another. This allowed the door to swing wide open. Ww showed me the message and said that she had responded. They started talking frequently (just as friends... barf). I told ww how it was hurtful that they were still in communication and asked that she stop. She refused and said that was not an option and that they aren't going to be together and AP wanted nothing to do with her in that way. Things have only become worse since. They now talk all day, every day. Work chat, texting, and more I'm sure. I don't think they have physically spent any time together, although I don't know for 100%.

Sometime in early September, ww moved into the guest bedroom and said that she wanted space. At first, she said we would exhaust all options before divorcing (therapy included). I made an appointment and now she is saying that she doesn't think it will change anything and we should start talking about divorce.

She says these things, and yet her actions are still wanting to spend our time together, cuddle, plan fun outings, etc. MY actions have been to try and completely distance myself from her rollercoaster. I don't initiate any form of physical touch, I don't assume anything. I have tried to be really ok with just enjoying my own company and having the whole bed to myself (although I hate it lol). I don't regret buying the house and trying to make our marriage work. I think I needed to try.

Now friends, I am at the point of a personal crossroad. I can continue (remaining somewhat emotionally grounded) to live as roommates and let ww live in her crazy cake-eating world. I can try to have patience and continue to improve myself. In the last couple of years, I have grown so much and finally feel like more of myself again. Currently, I am paying the majority of our financial obligations and she is using her paycheck to add to savings and pay off some of her personal debt (truck payment, separation purchases, etc). This doesn't bother me, but I also don't want to live in limbo forever.

I am to the point of not wanting to put my life on hold living in this pain any longer. Therefore, the other option is that I approach ww and let her know that I am taking charge of my life, that I plan to heal and move forward with divorce. The mortgage would be very difficult for her to afford on her own and I don't know that she would be able to refinance the loan into her name with her income. The other option is that I could buy her out of the mortgage. It was her childhood home and isn't going to be a fun discussion as it is a very emotional place for her.

After 2 years of personal agony, when I read through advice and taking a stand for yourself as a betrayed spouse, I understand on such a deep level. All of the 2X4s, all of the pushing people to let go and drop the rope, it resonates. I'm still worlds away from being detached, but I have desire for it which I never had. I want it. I would rather live alone and be happy in my heart, than suffer through this pain and allow someone to make me feel less than valuable. I don't ever want to give someone that control over my self worth again. I haven't quite gotten it back, but I'm moving foward.

Any advice and thoughts are appreciated. May, Yail, CW, & others - I know I haven't responded to your threads, but I've been here quietly watching. Sometimes getting involved made me start to cycle in a negative thought loop so I've stayed silent. I hope everyone is getting through the year and staying safe.

KG