Thanks sandi2 that was very insightful. I am going to pull back on the ILY and the affection and as you suggested try and go with the flow and find the right balance. I am going to consciously try and stop analysing everything she does as that's only driving my insecurities further. We had a quick conversion last night and I asked her if she felt smothered and she said yes so I told her that I would calm it down.
I guess the hardest part right now is believing her commitment is genuine but I guess that comes hand in hand with the deception that comes with infidelity and the fact she choose to go as far as moving in with the OM. Reading about what my wife may be going through now helps me having an understanding about what may be going on with her. It was my wife that suggested we try again as I had started to accept it was over between us but she started texting me and was talking about how she felt and was saying she'd made a massive mistake and was saying ILY both before and after she came back, she reassured me by saying things like if she wasn't sure about trying again she would have just gone back to our daughters or her parents. Of course now I think with my over compensating with affection and ILY and her feeling the withdrawals you have mentioned above and the self doubt and insecurity I can see why she may have backed off somewhat because she may not have expected these to kick in after feeling so optimistic about coming back.
My wife talks about our future together and in conversation she refers to "us" again and of course she has now changed jobs. I know we are VERY early on in this process but I have just have been taken by surprise by the conflicting feelings I have such as the doubts I now have about our M and her motivation and the feelings of I deserve better than this, and sometimes the anger I feel about what's happened and how this has changed me to my core, and then there is the guilt I feel for the contributions I made for my marriage to get into this state in the first place but that helps me understand that this is not all on my wife and its not just her that has to implement changes.
I do love my wife and I want to give us the best possible chance to be successful so I will stick around the board and get advice where I can.
