Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

May, LH, Valeska, thanks for your support. I haven't posted for a week - I'm trying to just "be" without over-analyzing everything. We've had two MC sessions since I last posted. Both have been very good although we've really delved into H and his EA. MC likes to simply call it an A, which sometimes hits really hard, but it is true, it was an A.

Even up until today, H does not believe he had an A, he does not believe he had anything more than a friendship with another woman and that the reason he kept it from me and lied so much was because he knew it would make me angry. He still cant take any responsibility that it was inappropriate. MC spelled it out to him - the secrecy, coverups, lies are all behaviours of an A and not telling me was not to protect me, but to protect the fact he was having an A. This is the first time H has faced this head-on. MC asked what was said during the NC conversation. H explained that he told OW he had to go NC as it was upsetting me, that *I* saw their relationship as an A. Again, MC pointed out, he has shifted this onto me, thus avoiding any responsibility of admitting having had an A. I felt huge relief that this was all being said and exposed. H freely admits he had feelings for her, yet spends so much time justifying the relationship as simply a friendship. He does not seem to recognise not just how inappropriate his own behaviour was, but also EAP's behaviour - how deceitful she was to her own H.

He talked for the 100th time about the connection he had with OW and also the guilt he is carrying this week about breaking contact right after her diagnosis. MC queried if there was room in his head for a connection with me. If H was spending his time thinking about her, feeling guilty that he had hurt her. MC challenged if H needed to feel guilty, and that - as I had pointed out- she had her own H and family to support her, that the burden did not lie with H. MC asked if he was discussing his feelings with me and H said no, because he knew that it hurts me to talk about her and that I don't really want to hear about it. I agreed and said I felt I had heard enough about how much he cares, and his connection and how she was X,Y & Z, and I'm not X, Y and Z. MC has asked H to externalize his feelings - especially the guilt - write it down rather than carry it round in his head all the time. On the plus side, he has (again) acknowledged that she could be attention-seeking and he didn't like that side of her.

H said he felt like we were going over old ground and it wasn't helpful. MC asked if it was helpful - I said yes, as clearly there are things that I am unable to put to bed. MC sees us being at the beginning of the recon process as unfortunately, not having dealt with NC and the A has set us back again, and he warned us that it is going to be slow. We talked about disclosure, and the Qs that I feel I need answered in order to heal, in order to know whether my intuition was right or wrong, that once I could stop self-doubting myself I could begin the process of trusting him again.

I talked about how I felt that I didn't know if H was in or out right now, if H had one foot out of the door. H responded to say he had both feet in the doorway and was waiting to be welcomed in. I have no idea what this means. Right now I feel that this is his M to walk away from, his family to walk away from, his home to walk away from. I don't think he is in that place right now. We did talk about wedding rings - H told me weeks ago he wanted us to be able to put them back on together - that hasn't happened. He has since put his on (unannounced) and said last week he assumed I wasn't wearing mine because I couldn't be bothered. I explained that I needed to feel from him that he is committed to working on our marriage. Yesterday the subject came up again - I said he gave me the rings as a request to be his wife, then he fired me. I'm not asking to renew our vows or anything like that, but I would like just a sign from him that we are trying to live as H & W. He told me he loved me, that he doesn't like to think that he fired me. I guess all I want is for him to say "go and put your rings on", but I guess for whatever reason it is too much pressure right now - although I cant understand why he put his on if he doesn't want me to wear mine.

Aside from all that, H and I have done what we do best - get on, be affectionate, cuddle a lot, go cycling together - perfect companions, all without the deep level of emotional intimacy that we are both looking for.