A day at a time

[Pommy99]

I'm just so annoyed at him for his sad and selfish navel-gazing. He said it feels like someone he cares about has died. Inside, I want to say GOOD! It is so deeply aggravating and disrespectful and anger-inducing when I think about him spending all his energy on mourning his A and having no bandwidth left over to empathize even in the smallest ways with how his WIFE must feel about his actions.

May, if it's any comfort, I am feeling the exact same. H is dealing with the guilt of breaking contact with EAP when she needs support the most (due to her illness), and after all, it is someone he cares about as he has known her a long time AND he had feelings for her. Bleurgh! I did say in MC she's got her own GD H to care for her, I'm sure he'd be less than enamored if he knew his W was leaning on someone she had an EA with. (MC also challenged him to consider that he didn't need to feel as guilty because she does have her own support network.)

Are you guys back in MC? I am finding the MC really helping get all of this out on the table right now. The MC is really helping ratify my feelings in front of H, and making him face them head on. Up to now, I have felt like I have been pushed into a corner and made to suck it up. MC has said this is not a good strategy as at some point the bubbling emotions will boil over. Do you have or need an outlet for your emotions right now, in H's presence?

He said he feels like he's the one making all the effort (ha! ha! ha!). He doesn't feel like I appreciate him making the decision to stay. When I asked him to explain, he said he's been wearing his wedding ring and I haven't. I said (mad) I'm not putting them back on until AP is out of your head for good.

I think these Hs want a homecoming and fanfare for sacrificing their cake eating in order to prioritise their M. That said, I do think it is a struggle for them. I keep reminding myself of something from the piecing thread - that initially, simply stopping what they were doing previously IS progress, and about all they can manage right now. The wedding ring thing struck a chord

I think I'm focusing too much on her and the A and his $hitty behavior then and his selfish wallowing now. There are also a lot of good times interspersed, fun with the kids, relaxed chats in the evenings over cocktails, so I don't want to give the impression it is all barely veiled hostility.

This is a hard place to get out of. Sometimes I feel like I am focusing on her more than H is. What is driving those feelings? Anger? Fear? Punishing H? Attention? What is the response you are looking for when you feel like this? Perhaps you need a safe channel to get this out in front of H. You may both feel like you have hashed this all out before, but be kind to yourself and remember that HE is the one that caused it to resurface and with that come back all the old feelings as well as the new feelings. Have you talked about this with H? About how you feel right now?

Sending hugs {{May}}….you've got this! xx