A day at a time

[may22]

Journaling...

H has been better. The alien a-hole that surfaced for a few days seems to have been banished, and we're back to friendly H ho does his part in the household without flipping out. I haven't done as well. It is like when he was acting like a jerk, I had a little distance emotionally and just felt like he was being a pathetic and selfish jerk and was able to remove myself and not engage. Then he gets nicer and I want to pick fights. Which I obviously shouldn't do, but have done a couple of times over the weekend.

I'm just so annoyed at him for his sad and selfish navel-gazing. He said it feels like someone he cares about has died. Inside, I want to say GOOD! It is so deeply aggravating and disrespectful and anger-inducing when I think about him spending all his energy on mourning his A and having no bandwidth left over to empathize even in the smallest ways with how his WIFE must feel about his actions. I know i chose this course. And, that logically this is a phase he will need to go through if there is ever any expectation of true R down the line, and it won't be pretty or over in a couple of weeks. I need to work on better ways to increase my own self-control, patience, and detachment.

He said he feels like he's the one making all the effort (ha! ha! ha!). He doesn't feel like I appreciate him making the decision to stay. When I asked him to explain, he said he's been wearing his wedding ring and I haven't. I said (mad) I'm not putting them back on until AP is out of your head for good. He said (nastily), maybe you'll need to find a pretty secure place for them then, since it might be awhile. I said F you and walked away. Later I came back and said, look, I don't want to put them back on until I feel pretty sure I'm not going to have to take them off again. He acknowledged.

Question for you guys on the above interaction... he's pulling back out the control narrative, that I'm telling him not only what to do but how to think and feel when I say things like this. I guess I am, but also feel like what I have now (sad sack here in body, not in heart) is not what I want. I partially feel like my own needs have been suppressed for so long during all of this that I don't want to keep that dynamic going as we move forward. And partially it is me trying, maybe unsuccessfully, to acknowledge where I am today-- subpar sitch-- without fast forwarding to where that takes us in the future. I don't know why I feel the need to communicate that to him, though. But clearly me saying anything is not helping, so I need to just drop that and let it go, for now? Shut it and validate? (Valeska, if you're reading-- I said "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way" and he got super annoyed, thinks I'm just mouthing the words. Which maybe I am.)

I think I'm focusing too much on her and the A and his $hitty behavior then and his selfish wallowing now. There are also a lot of good times interspersed, fun with the kids, relaxed chats in the evenings over cocktails, so I don't want to give the impression it is all barely veiled hostility. It mostly isn't. But it does come up (OK, I bring it up.) For instance, we exchanged backrubs the other night watching TV. He said hey, if you do this it feels really good. I said, snarkily, oh, is that how your girlfriend did it? He said, no, then got all quiet and sad. It kind of ruined the mood. I feel like I need to cut this out for now, even though I also feel I have every right to be angry and say this kind of thing. Self-control.

Gosh, just realizing how easy it is to post advice on other people's threads about dropping expectations, focusing on yourself, not letting your S's behaviors affect your mood, etc and how difficult it really is to implement for yourself. sorry guys. I'm definitely a work in progress.

On the positive side, I finally started exercising again and baking bread. (Which kind of cancel each other out, but oh well.) Having a socially distanced dinner with the friend who knows about the A tomorrow night. More conversations about that potential job on the table. Probably going to renovate the MB in the coming weeks. Not sleeping super well right now because the kittens are very snuggly and keep waking me up to lick my face or curl up on my neck-- very sweet, but right now I'd choose sleep over them. Got out of the house and to the beach both days this weekend. Beat the pants off my H on a Wednesday NYT crossword (he usually has the edge on me Wed-Sat). So all that is positive.

Hope you guys are all doing well. xx M