Caught in limbo

[sandi2]

Around two months ago my wife started to show signs she was softening to me despite already having moved in with the AP and she sent me several texts over the course of a couple of weeks expressing love and remorse about how thing had worked out.

Those words you chose to describe your WW was showing signs of "softening" to you, indicates pressure was being applied to her from you. Pressure, as in pursuit.

I told her it was not too late and that if it was really something she wanted we could work on our marriage. It seems that real life was beginning to hit the relationship with the AP and there was several lies told by the AP that helped the relationship fizzle out and eventually things came to a head and my wife ended it.

It's common for a WW to turn to her LBH to rescue her, when things get too tough or her fantasy with OM doesn't work out like she thought it would. She knew what to say, in order to go back home. Maybe she meant it at the time, IDK. But at some point, it started becoming a bit too much. You are spending a lot of time with her. You are saying ILY, and of course, she feels pressured to say it back. You talk a lot about affection. My guess is that she feels like you are smothering her.

I can't express enough how important it is for the wayward W to work her way back. That's why the LBH should require a few things, before he agrees to reconciliation. You see, she just left the OM's bed to go back to the marital home. And like I said, maybe she meant every word she told you. But here is where I think you may have messed up. You seem to have thought her feelings were like a switch, and maybe she was the one to initiate sex after she returned home. Women know that men see this as sealing the deal, so they try to go along with it. Some WW's initiate sex with their LBH, in order to secure their place back in the home, so to speak. But most women need a little time to adjust to being back in the marriage again, b/c like it or not, she has a lot of inner work ahead of her. She has to process everything she's been through, and everything she put her LBH through. As much as she might want to automatically switch back to her old self, her insides are still a mess. She has caused damage to herself, her H, and family. I can tell you from experience, it is a terrible thing to deal with, but it's part of the process.

Unless I misunderstood in previous posts, it sounded as if you've had the idea that a wayward would just snap out of the fog and life would pick up where she left it. It's much more complicated, b/c women are complicated! She's a very emotional being, and those emotions have been out of control for quite a while now. Even if she meant all that was said, she needs time to adjust, process, and heal. She may not like the OM anymore, but her problem biggest problem at the moment, is the addiction. I have to give her credit for realizing she couldn't work with him, and if it really was her idea of finding another job......then I think it's promising that she is putting forth some difficult steps. Making the decision to do the right thing, in spite of the feelings, is a good beginning. It's hard! It's hard for both of you. Just remember, most of your pain came when you discovered her A. Just b/c she's back home, doesn't mean you've healed. Maybe you aren't hurting as much, but the relationship still needs healing. You may be surprised some day when you feel anger, resentment, etc., for everything she put you through. Some LBH's are so focused on just getting the WW back, that they don't deal with feelings at the time, and it causes a delayed reaction. So anyway, if she's sincere about the remorse, then she's going to suffer. I'm just saying that the LBH and the WW don't suffer the same way or at the same time, and both of them have to heal from the whole cheating ordeal. Maybe that is difficult for some people to hear........that the wayward W has to heal, but if she is being authentic.......then she will need to heal. If she is just pretending, or using you, then I think you'll know fairly soon. I think the couple should have a professional guiding them, b/c it is extremely difficult trying to piece the M back together, without help from someone experienced in healing after an affair.

This period where she's going through withdrawals, is critical. Having your support will help. Support comes in different ways, and most WW's I've read about, doesn't like talking about the affair/OM. Frankly, I feel those type of discussions should be supervised by a therapist......but that's JMHO. If she doesn't seem to be in the mood for intimacy, then don't stress out about it. I do recommend that you show nonintimate touches. Try to go with the flow, and don't feel you need to question her over every little thing if she's not responding like you think she should. Remember she has to process a lot of stuff.

Add the insecurities about the phone and I am really struggling just now. I have a lot of stuff going round my head and most of it is doubt and I am questioning things like does she really love me? is the things she is doing on purpose to push me away or does she really want to be with me? am I enough for her?

I'm sure you struggle with many thoughts. This is not easy for either of you. I want you to understand I'm trying to explain how it is for the WW returning to LBH. I am not excusing anything she did, nor trying to get sympathy for a WW. I just want you to know that she is going through insecurities, too. Her insecurities lie in her "feelings". It's all about her feelings! She will question herself and why can't she feel and act the way you need her to do right now.....or even like she wants. She thinks something must be wrong if she isn't feeling like she should. Listen, a woman doesn't fall out of love with a man, then instantly fall in love with a new man, then fall out of love with him, and back in love with the first one again. I know some people may be thinking, "But this isn't just any man, it's her H". Nobody knows it any better than she does. That's why she feels pressure from herself, b/c she believes she should feel "in-love" with her H, now that they have reconciled. She's not a light switch! This takes a toll on everyone involved, including her.

I feel right now I am hyper-vigilant about everything and some things are probably daft like I text her I love you and she send back an emoji heart and I am like why won't she just text love rather than an emoji OR if I tag her in a nice message on facebook she puts a like rather than a love (I know it sounds mental)

No, it doesn't sound mental. Do you think this is a picnic for her? Both of you are very insecure right now. Every time you send her an ILY message, you are putting her in a pressure cooker. If your W has genuine, then please understand that she is doing the best she can, at the moment. If she sees you like a little boy pulling at his mama's skirt, wanting her to coddle him...........guess what that will do? I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I will talk to you straight. You have experienced a lot, but if you want this relationship to last, you must stop showing her how desperate and insecure you are. She's got all she can handle right now. Yes, you must stop all this needy stuff and back off the ILY texting. Don't go totally cold on her. Stay balanced.

This is why I think couples should find a qualified therapist to guide them through this passage. I wanted to say so much more, but I've already written a book, so maybe next time. If my rambling has confused you, please ask questions and I'll try to answer in a better way.

Don't make any drastic moves before talking to the board. Things can get a lot better, once she doesn't feel pressure from you, and once she gets through the withdrawals. If you don't understand what it's like to go through withdrawals from an addiction, then you won't understand what she's feeling right now.

One more thing...........please don't go missing in action again. (((hugs)))