Caught in limbo

[SteveLW]

Apologies for the lack of updates as a lot has happened over the last couple of months.

Around two months ago my wife started to show signs she was softening to me despite already having moved in with the AP and she sent me several texts over the course of a couple of weeks expressing love and remorse about how thing had worked out. I told her it was not too late and that if it was really something she wanted we could work on our marriage. It seems that real life was beginning to hit the relationship with the AP and there was several lies told by the AP that helped the relationship fizzle out and eventually things came to a head and my wife ended it.

Sooooooo. You were firmly entrenched as plan B. Let her know that at her first sign of her Plan A "fizzing out". More on this later.

So next the wife moved back in (yes all very quick) and she decided to take some time off work to decide what to do next as she worked with the AP. Initially she was hoping to be moved to another location but in the end it was not possible and she decided that the only option was to get a new job and that's what she has done, although the currently employment she is in she isn't to happy with but she is now moving to another job in the next two weeks and she seems optimistic about it.

You really should have consulted the board. WASs, especially those that were in affairs, should never be allowed to waltz right back into your life. The "getting another job" should have been a prerequisite to her moving back in. You got lucky that it worked out in your case. Many LBSs find themselves living with their WAS while their WAS has daily contact with OP.

The first few weeks she was back where pretty intense we spent quite a bit of time together and there was a lots of affection from both of us and lots of I love yous from both sides. We both felt that this could lead to a stronger marriage and a deeper love and appreciation for each other and we talked about what we both felt went wrong within our marriage to get to the state that it was at. She disclosed details about the relationship with the AP and the things that lead to it fully ending. She had a couple of texts and calls from the AP and she told him that it was over and she has since blocked the AP from her phone. For the first time she told me some things like she felt like she has let every one down and she feels ashamed of herself and feels "dirty". She said she felt even worse because I was being so nice to her and I told her that I had it in my heart to forgive her but it sounded like she needed to work on forgiving herself. We had a small wobble when she told me she felt she missed the AP but as I understand it that can be perfectly normal and I have tried to support her.

Spent a lot of time together? Sooooo, you never did GAL?

Lots of affection and ILYs. Did it seem forced? Like two kids playing house?

You tried supporting her in missing her AP? Wow........

Where is your conditions for moving forward? Complete transparency? Did she share her "No Contact" message she sent AP? IC for her? And you? MC to follow for you both?

The last couple of weeks I do feel she has pulled back a bit in that she isn't initiating any affection and any "I love you" comes from me with a reply from her of "I love you too", the problem with this is I asked her if there where any "I love yous" in her relationship with the AP and she said yes he would say it and when I asked if she said it back she said yes but she didn't actually mean it so this is now stuck on my head. She will hug me if I hug her and if I attempt to kiss her she will kiss me back. I am just confused by her pulling back but that may be because I am perhaps showing her too much affection and perhaps love bombing her so I feel I need to perhaps pull back a bit myself. Then there are the doubts for example when she has her phone in her hands and it looks like she is texting and I sit wondering who is she texting, she is someone that can sit with her phone all night which does irritate me itself. I've brought the phone thing up and asked if there have been any texts to AP and she has said no. I know her phone passcode but I am very reluctant to go through her phone as I don't want to be like that but I do have a feeling she is guarding her phone but I am not sure if that's just my insecurities coming through. Of course having access to the phone would mean nothing as any texts etc would simply be deleted anyway so I need to trust what she is telling me is true. Right now she's at a stage where she just wants things to get back to normal again and for us to to talk any more about what's happened.

Of course she has. She wanted to come back and you rolled out the red carpet. She got off scot-free. Further, you feel guilty for not trusting her!?!?! Are you flipping serious?

So....what happens when another Plan A comes along. You've already taught her that if she goes out and has an A you will be sitting their, wrapped in your own grief, waiting for her to come back with open arms and no work on her part. So you've set yourself up for BD#2 by not having requirements. Trust me, I've been there done that.

Stick up for yourself! Where is your backbone? Self-esteem? Do you think all of the above makes you look strong or weak?

With the pull back on her initiating any affection which could be due to her restarting her anti-depressants which I have brought up with her, I told her it would be nice if she came to me now and again with a cuddle or I love you rather than me always initiating it. She does tell me she loves me before we go to sleep. Add the insecurities about the phone and I am really struggling just now. I have a lot of stuff going round my head and most of it is doubt and I am questioning things like does she really love me? is the things she is doing on purpose to push me away or does she really want to be with me? am I enough for her? Is she texting the AP again (which is what happened before when she came back the first time). I then question myself like am I putting too much pressure on her and expecting too much too soon, or am I just having doubts about us because its early days still. I feel right now I am hyper-vigilant about everything and some things are probably daft like I text her I love you and she send back an emoji heart and I am like why won't she just text love rather than an emoji OR if I tag her in a nice message on facebook she puts a like rather than a love (I know it sounds mental) it seems I am looking at everything and watching out for signs she does love me OR that she may be about to drop another bomb. I'm just feeling really down just now and I have an appointment with the Dr as I feel I am suffering with a bit of depression and need to deal with that.

Making excuses for her. "Maybe it is her ADs." No it is her now feeling that she got away with an A, and doesn't even have to pretend anymore.

"I told her it would be nice if she came to me now and again with a cuddle or I love you rather than me always initiating it."

Do you feel this was a strong move or a weak move?

The reason you are struggling is because you did not require her to prove she wanted to come back. Just a "can I come back?" and the response of "Of course!! Come back right now!" We tell LBSs all the time to not let their WAS come back too easily. Now you are right back where you were before she left. She is doing what she wants, the romantic nature of coming back is over, and now you have the same faulty marriage with the same faulty spouse you had before. There is no MR 2.0 here, there is MR 1.0 all over again.

Of course I can also see the steps she has taken to work on our marriage like quitting her job and of course ending the relationship with the AP and when we talk she uses "we" and will discuss a future etc.

Oh, so she lets a few bread crumbs fall from her table, and you get to eat them right off of the floor............

WMWB, you have to man up here. You have work to do that you have put off. You really need to look at what you want your MR to be, and show her that you will not settle for less.

Is there any open mouth kissing? Sex? Anything but the small crumbs of affection she lets you have? IF not, you are on thin ice again already. Sandi can help you, but you have to be willing to take difficult action. Otherwise you are at her mercy.....and she is a ticking timebomb.