I would make friends with the yoga chicks and be seen getting coffee with them, that's more likely to attract your wife back. Beware of the friend zone.
I'm not sure where the DB coach recommended that but the situation may have been different. Ultimately you should do what works.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks Tom_H. Appreciate the reply. Alot of good point you bring to the table. A few things, prior to the separation we agreed that there would be no dating, just focusing on ourselves. I don't have any reason to believe that she would do otherwise and I am certainly not planning on dating or seeing anyone. With that said, the emotional part of my brain becomes paranoid and worries "What if she happens to meet someone". She sent me a weird text earlier on the separation that read:
"And I'm assuming if one day you decide you don't want to wait anymore and want to see someone you would tell me first, I had a dream last night you were dating and I was mad lol"
This was a really weird text, I spoke to friends about it and they thought it was just her doing a temp check. I phoned her the next day to ask about the text. (This was before I discovered DB) I reassured her that I was committed working on the relationship and she reassured me as well. What do you think this text meant?
As far as the AA, my sich is a little different as I am a mental health nurse and I would more than likely bump into a patient that I know. I do weekly IC and we talk about the alcohol issue every session. I do value your opinion though. And thanks for taking the time to post. Really appreciate it
I would not advise making her jealous. In my experience it’s a heck of a lot easier for a woman to do that to a man. It is not often that a man can out jealousy war a woman. If you go down that road you would best be prepared for her to return fire and you know that will crush you, don’t play with it. Jealousy really only works when you actually don’t care anymore about her and have pretty much moved on and the things she does don’t bother you. But you ain’t there yet so yeah don’t do it.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/05/2011:40 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
... prior to the separation we agreed that there would be no dating, just focusing on ourselves. I don't have any reason to believe that she would do otherwise and I am certainly not planning on dating or seeing anyone.
This is very wise, especially since you want to reconcile. I think it is a very good sign that the two of you both agreed to this in advance. I especially like the part that she said the two of you should focus on yourself. That means she is hopefully doing some internal self-examination as well. You too will be surprised with how she changed in the future!
Originally Posted by TimW10
She sent me a weird text earlier in the separation that read: "And I'm assuming if one day you decide you don't want to wait anymore and want to see someone you would tell me first, I had a dream last night you were dating and I was mad lol" ... What do you think this text meant?
I think it means she is more committed to getting back together than you wrote in your initial post. I hope you agreed with her!
Originally Posted by TimW10
... earlier on during our separation she texted: "I wonder why you never answer my texts. I find it frustrating to be honest."
My STBXW accused me of the same, after she walked out. Of course I had no idea that this was part of the list of complaints about me. Had I known, I would have answered them all! Instantly! But believe it or not, I was not a big texting type of guy then. Now I am!
Frankly, and I think many DBers would disagree with me here, I think you should become an awesome texter now. Don't send messages that are pitiable, but send her replies in real time with real information. Be honest, too, this bothered her. Remember, Michele says that she will notice small, consistent changes so consider this to be one of them.
Somehow, someway, she also needs to know that you are a working hard on being a better communicator as well as staying sober and remaining faithful to her. You might want to consider how to let her know without violating too many DB rules.
Here's one thought -- have you ever been the type to write notes to your children? Or better yet, give them each small notebooks that you can use for journaling back and forth to you. Your wife will eventually notice them and read what you write, and hopefully warm up to the man you really are again. The journaling should not necessarily be long, and for your younger child it can even be pictures you draw or something. The point here is that she sees how loving and sensitive you are to the kids. Because you know she will read them. Just a thought.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I would not advise making her jealous. In my experience it’s a heck of a lot easier for a woman to do that to a man. It is not often that a man can out jealousy war a woman.
I agree with Steve. Not just because you'll lose the battle, but because your having a sexual relationship is a big deal to her. You want her back, you should be willing to fix yourself in a multitude of ways, all the while proving to her that you can be celibate and wait for her.
That said, I recommended in my previous post that you find a "safe" woman to be a confidante. I still do. As for how you do it without making your wife jealous ... well ... ask a female cousin. Or a best friend's wife. All of those should be safe enough so if your wife saw the two of you, or someone else reported to her, you don't have to do any backpedaling.
Originally Posted by TimW10
As far as the AA, my sich is a little different as I am a mental health nurse and I would more than likely bump into a patient that I know. I do weekly IC and we talk about the alcohol issue every session.
Totally understand, just remember that you're not only doing the abstinence for you but for her, so just be sure that she knows how committed you are to being sober. As you no doubt know, all AA guys say things like "12 years 6 months sober" and if would seem to me that this is something she would like to hear as well.
Just a quick update. Wife called me and asked if I wanted to join her and the kids at a little restaurant near their place. It happened to be raining and she was worried the kids would get wet because they walked to the restaurant. I of course went to join them and it turned out ok. She seemed friendly enough although it was hard to talk because the kids were wanting daddy’s attention lol. She kept on thanking me for coming down as well. It was a nice time, didn’t talk about r and kept upbeat and smiled lots I dropped them off at her house and as I was leaving she said “I’m glad to know that we’ll always be able to do this” she also gave me a great big smile as I left
I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this or not but that comment. I know I should be happy because she reached out to me. But to me that comment meant “I’m glad to know that we’ll always be able to this even when we’re divorced. Again I shouldn’t be mind reading but that’s how I feel. Does anyone have any insight into this?
Unfortunately Tim everyone gets this wrong. Your response should have been “I’m sorry I have plans”. I would make it crystal clear you don’t intend to play happy family after you divorce. You are slowly but surely friend zoning yourself. Time to become mysterious.
BTW the entire “no dating” while separated is laughable and unenforceable.
[/quote] I know I should be happy because she reached out to me. But to me that comment meant “I’m glad to know that we’ll always be able to this even when we’re divorced. Again I shouldn’t be mind reading but that’s how I feel. Does anyone have any insight into this?[/quote]
Well I see this as a test, she probably said that to test your strength as a man and in a way you failed and in a way you passed. As long as you didn’t break down and cry and beg or something it’s not a big loss. But I think a better response would have been to tell her “I wouldn’t count on always” with a James Bond kind of smile. That would have shown her she means something to you but that you also mean something to you. At any rate I feel like what she did was a test to see if you would fall apart and kudos for you that you did not.
My wife told me when I blew the candles on my cake out earlier not to wish for her not to divorce me. Then she laughed and said oh “too soon?” Later I told her calmly that I wasn’t mad about it and I found that disrespectful. She was sitting on the bed and started messing with me to make me laugh. She tested my strength to see if I would let that disrespectful thing she said make me sad and I didn’t I called her on it. You gotta channel that inner James Bond, that has the confidence that you deserve her and you can do this right because you can and because that is what will attract her back. Easier said than done but try to be that confident and charming man at all times. It’s damn near impossible for a woman not to be attracted to that. (As long as you take care of your body and so on). It makes you strong and in control of your emotions. She wants you to be more of a man than she is. But don’t forget to be charming you got this! Don’t pursue her at all but when she reaches out be a confident charming man. Then pull right back away. And stay away. Eventually she will see that you don’t need her cause you don’t pursue and she likes what your doing. (Hopefully)
Other men will pursue, pursue, pursue which is needy and tells her that they are not worthy of her. Eventually she will agree with it. As long as you maintain that your this new man that has value and you don’t back slide she will eventually believe that too.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/07/2003:27 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
you got this! Don’t pursue her at all but when she reaches out be a confident charming man. Then pull right back away. And stay away. Eventually she will see that you don’t need her cause you don’t pursue and she likes what your doing. (Hopefully)