Tim, I am currently reading Michele's DR book and I'll say that her insights are incredible. Truly incredible. Get it and devour it.
As for regaining your wife's trust, I'd say do your 180s and fix yourself. Since you're not supposed to talk about the 180s with her, then focus on some things that are really evident, like your weight and physique. That's what guys always do anyway, is get more healthy. You're younger than I am, so hopefully it's not so hard to get back to your high school weight. Set that as a goal and start exercising and using weights now that your evenings are free.
Also, start wearing clothes that accentuate how good you look. For me, it was pretty simple. Once I lost 25 pounds I began wearing those ultra comfortable black tees from Costco called 32 Cool and wearing tighter pants; it is not unusual for me to wear the black tee and black tight pants when I'm out. [It used to be baggy jeans and an old t-shirt.] I'm still 20-25 pounds over my high school weight but at my age (late 50s) that's pretty good and my stomach is flat. I went dancing with some friends at a local hangout wearing the tee and some black pants and some very attractive 40-ish gal pulled me over to dance with her. That didn't even happen when I was still single in my 20s! Do a few other things like wear aftershave and keep your hair trimmed so you always look really good.
If you wife notices and says something, then just say that part of fixing yourself is looking good again. You can say that by stopping drinking you're losing weight, and that you replaced drinking with physical conditioning. If she continues the conversation, just be coy and say "I'm glad you noticed." That's better than saying, "I'm doing it for you" or "I'm hoping to win you back" which about everyone here would say is a no-no.
As for her taking off her wedding ring, view it as an emotional thing. She's contemplating ending things forever in her mind, so why wouldn't she do the same externally as well? It's frankly incidental in my view, and it would not have been surprising if she took it off the minute you left for your official new residence. Put yourself in her shoes. She loved you once, she's not sure she does anymore, she wonders if there are men out there for her, she debates redoing her hair, getting new clothes, maybe even getting a boob job. The ring is just a piece of metal, and the wedding certificate is just a piece of paper! When your marriage was good the ring, the diamond, and the certificate did not keep it together -- your love did. So for now, at least, just take it in stride.
She might be sprucing up her look as well. Prepare yourself for it, expect it, so you're not hurt. It also means giving her tiny compliments as well. Perhaps she mostly looked business-like or mom-ish before the separation, but if her hair is done nicer or she shows some cleavage, or wears tighter clothing, view it as a time for a simple compliment. Even if her reply is not what you prefer.
As for her dating ... hmmm. Some guys get really, really upset if their wife, while separated, has dates or relationships. At this stage, I think getting angry or hurt would only poison what you really want to do, which is get her back. She's a woman, still attractive, and she is trying to get a measure of herself now that she might be single again. Let it go. Prepare yourself for it, too. God forbid there is another car in the driveway one day when you go to pick up the kids, and it's a man she is dating. Gulp. Still, if you goal is to get her back, let her go. Maybe she's only testing you anyway.
As for you dating, that is a different animal. Nearly everyone here on DB screams, no-no-no don't date. But I'd say you'll know if and when you're ready. Just be careful, a relationship will consume you and make you think you're in love again. It'll also blind you to the fact that all relationships are great in the beginning.
Most divorcees are really screwed up, just like you are. That's baggage you don't need now. And if I understand correctly, these relationships are often very very sexual, and that too will blind you as you compare it to what you had with your wife. Remember, you want her back! I think the safe approach is that if you're still pretty wounded by what happened, you are not ready for an intense romantic relationship.
On the other hand -- if there is a safe woman you trust, who is willing to listen, then I'd recommend you meet her for coffee once a week and see if she'll be your confidante. [Make sure she's not a friend of your wife because then she might be your wife's source of info for a divorce, and that's not good.] You need someone to bounce ideas off, about your 180s and more, and men usually don't want to do that -- women do. But choose carefully.
About 2-3 weeks after my STBXW walked out, I began a coffee-only friendship with a woman my age, who had left her husband about 3 years earlier, who I knew from the kids' school but was not a friend of my STBXW. She's a knockout, and of course I noticed that and wondered. But she kept things friendship only, she didn't even hug me anymore after the first coffee. And she was invaluable to me, giving me the female perspective on things like children, holidays, etc., when things got tense. I'd text her and she'd reply or call back instantly.
So ... see if you can find a friend like that. Some women just love being in this role. But remember to feed back to her about how valuable she is, men can sometimes be so dismissive or casual with their thank-yous.
Finally, you really should join AA. I know that's probably hard to consider since a lifetime without alcohol is hard to imagine, and perhaps you don't feel your abuse was addictive. But at the very least, for your wife's sake, since you want her back, it would be a good idea.
She sounds like a great lady, by the process with which she made the separation happen. I just wish my ex would have told me a few years earlier that she needed a lot of space and time, rather than waiting until it was too late.
