To all the LBS, if you had the option to stay or go when you first had your BD's what would you have done? I am open to all advice and opinions.
My XW and I had a relatively short tension period before she definitively said she wanted a D, and I didn't fight it. Once about a month later she said to me, "But you seem to be moving on..." and I responded (I wish more emphatically) with, "What was my response supposed to be when you said you wanted a divorce?".
For me, this was the best move. To separate, to have no contact aside from brief and polite (no sarcasm, no snippiness - truly) written communication on logistics. I think when looking at the whole picture I healed faster and more fully. I am two years from BD and I am living my life. In a way I never have before, with fresh eyes and renewed energy.
But more than trying to hurry-up some healing process, I don't have anger towards her. Occasional frustration or very, very mild anger perhaps when I think of the A. That one hurts. But because I removed myself from the situation fully I think I have fewer of those painful memories. What I don't know can't hurt me. I assume she moved in with the OW (I don't know). I assume they are partnered (I don't know). I assume she is okay with her decision (I don't know). But the "I don't know" is a h*** of a lot easier than the images of a few graphic, terrible memories that I DID know. Does that make sense?
I'm almost at a point of understanding with my W. Almost. I see things now that I did not see 2 years ago. Things about myself, things about her, things about our dynamic together. I understand her perspective a bit having never had these conversations with her. It sounds weird, and it's hard to describe. I am 100% NOT expecting to ever have my XW reach out to me again in search of reconciliation. Truly. But if it did happen, I could entertain the thought without vengeance, without spite, and also without desperation. I think of our time together with love and fondly. But I think it's because once she started to hurt me I got the F out.
I did not take marriage lightly. I was prepared to fight. But you both have to be moving in the same direction. I don't know if leaving and taking her at her word is the best for you, but I can say that it was for me. You need to truly sit with it and turn off the noise and hear what your own soul is telling you to do without guilt and without societal pressure moving you either way. One of the benefits of being gay and fighting subtle or overt disapproval is that we learn very quickly how to navigate our own lives and dismissing those who don't believe in us.
