Journey of me and H Part 1

[DnJ]

Good Morning PLC

I have things also planned, but before it gets to cold.

Good answers to the questions regarding fear. Breaking it down into its constituent parts, and examine each, rationalizes them.

Future event: Moves out

The future event is something that hasn’t happened yet. We imagine it.

Imagination is the first step in creation. An imagined reality still leads to real emotions, a normal and proper reaction by the way. Your feelings regarding him moving out are good. Dispelling fear is not about not feeling, it’s about accepting one’s feelings.

Trigger: I think I am so used to him being in LA LA land that when he does anything out of it and still does not speak to me except little grunts (like a teen) I assume, he’s out of MLC, back to former self, but is still loyal to the OW. I think I can rationalize her being there, when he is obviously acting like a teen.

The trigger, in my opinion, is less than what you’ve mentioned. A lot of what you stated is actually the irrational tie.

A trigger is an action, a thought, a place, a smell, etc. that starts a cascade of emotions which bring forth the imagined future event and all the fearful outcome.

The trigger is simply H behaving “out of the ordinary”. As I suggested, this is not about H cleaning. It’s not about H losing weight, or eating fast food, or hiding in his room. It’s all of those behaviours, and none of them. Change your definition of “out of the ordinary” and this particular trigger won’t happen as often.

Irrational tie- hmm, I am always a good one for jumping to the worst case scenario, and so I think just being my anxious self is irrational.

The irrational tie is harder to see and follow its path. By its very nature, being irrational and based on emotions, it is somewhat hidden from our logical side. Jumping to the worst case scenario is very common and a huge driver to our fears.

The tie between trigger and future event, doesn’t have to make sense - in fact it won’t. Once it does make sense, well it’s no longer irrational and fear is abated.

One can see and understand their future feared event and the trigger pretty well. In this case H moving out, divorcing, leaving, etc. has feelings associated with it. Interestingly, we only fear things that haven’t happened yet. If H moved out, you would not fear that anymore. It would become “fact”, a problem, a concern, something you now deal with, rationally.

Understand our fear is about something not actually happening; and once it does happen, there is nothing left to fear. I find that quite interesting, and use that rationalization to delve into the irrational to find the fear and the paralyzing affect it has.

The trigger, H behaving differently, activates the tie to your imagination. Uncoupling trigger and future event is similar to detachment. See things accurately and clearly for what they are. Logic and reason, mental assertiveness, that sharp sword of your’s, are very useful tools.

All fear is based upon us getting hurt. Deep down, it is about our own pain, our hurting. Me fearing for my children, a car accident, a bar fight, an assault upon a young girl, etc. all imagined and all about me. The hurt I would feel.

Remember, we are talking about fear, not empathy. Yes, we would, and do, feel when others get hurt or bad things happen. That is a good thing, we are not psychotic, of course we feel. It is the fact that living fearfully does not affect, nor prevent, an outcome - so why fear it?

In fact, the fearful existence prevents examining or discussing these possibilities. One fearfully looks away and lives with the silent lurking fear. Fearlessness allows one to take action. To look upon these possibilities, rationally, to even give probability to them, and therefore take preventive measures. Fear has a large component of denial with it, and one doesn’t act when in denial.

H behaving differently triggers your imagined reality which brings forth your feeling of hurt. These feelings are true, are real, you feeling them, that anxiety. And they are based upon something that hasn’t even happened.

Following that irrational path is convoluted and very individual. Each of us has our own hurts, past, upbringing, coping, and therefore emotional ties to discover.

One of my irrational ties/fear was I would never kiss or hug another woman again. A few, hopefully helpful insights here from my inner delving:

At three years past BD, yes I have not kissed nor hugged another woman. My imagined future became reality, and it is no big deal.

This is also my choice. Another thing we learn; no one else controls your life, you do! The perceived loss of control is also a driver for one’s fear. I choose to remain celibate, and choice pushes back fear.

And fear, like depression, is usually expressed using negatives and absolutes - “never kiss or hug another woman again”. Well, I know this is not true. I can change that, when I choose too.

If I rationally really think this out, again, it doesn’t matter what he is doing, so I need to continue to work on me.

Yes.

You are doing very well.

Live in the light.

D