Thank you May. This brought tears to my eyes. It is extremely difficult to communicate to my H how awful this makes me feel without him feeling criticised and when he feels criticised he's a terrible person to be around - he still reacts in anger, aggressive language, blaming etc.
I find it impossible to understand. He is very clear on not wanting me to have close or intimate friendships with other people. He wants me to be his. So he can put me on a shelf and ignore me. It feels like selfishness and cruelty.
If there was something really really important to him that only I could give him I would want to do that. The thing is, there isn't anything that is really important to him that only I can give him. He can have conversations with his friends, share hobbies with whoever he likes, he prefers to sleep alone, and he's capable of hiring a house keeper and childminder. So a lot of the time I am left wondering what I am actually for. And that makes me very sad too.
I think what he wants and needs most is for me to pretend the way he wants things is fine, because understanding I am very hurt and very angry about this - and have been for years - is too much for him. So yet again it is me who needs to go without something I need - not even sex, but just an acknowledgement of the massive damage this has done to me and our marriage and the opportunity to receive some care and empathy for that - because his feelings and needs have to be more important.
I know processing my anger and resentment are my responsibility, and I know I choose this - I am more than capable of walking away and taking care of myself. I could even have an affair if I wanted to. But I don't want to. And I don't want to walk away either. I just want to be wanted and desired, and he doesn't seem capable of that unless I pretend that not being wanted and desired has been totally fine, has done no damage at all, and hasn't caused me deep wounds. The selfishness of it is staggering and I get angry when I think about it.
