Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

That's tough. I am very familiar, at this moment, with the feeling like maybe I'm just settling for something that is not ever going to be good enough. And, maybe, it won't be, for either you or for me. Or maybe it will, either because things get better or we learn to live with it. I'm an eternal optimist so rooting for things will get better, with time, for both of us. I see how far you've come and it is really encouraging.

When I read about your H, and the woodenness and the trying but not putting his heart into it... I have been there. I have so, so been there. And if he is anything like I was... sex simply wasn't important, at all. Like I was confused and annoyed that my H wanted it. I would so much rather have gotten an extra half hour of sleep. With some exceptions, like if we went for a weekend away without the kids, I was just going through the motions because I felt I should. And then on top of that I felt guilty and bad that I didn't want sex, and shuffled between feeling like there was something wrong with me and a kind of indignant defensiveness about why I didn't want to have sex with him, he was rude or didn't help with the kids enough or didn't understand I needed more sleep or thinks he can just roll over and initiate without at least a backrub first.

And this is the thing, Alison. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my H. yes, he could have handled it better. (like you are handling it.) But in the end, it was about me and how I saw myself. Yail talks about not knowing she was a sexual being, and that is exactly how I felt. I didn't even realize it was a problem.

As Yail says, your H may be in a very deep rut, perhaps connected to his depression, but it very likely has zero to do with you and how he feels about you. (I remember some really romantic thing he said to you, a few months ago, when you went away with the children for a week, something like nobody else in the world was right for him like you were, or something along those lines. It always has warmed my heart towards your H and made me feel he does love you, truly. He has a lot of other issues but I think at the core of it he does love you, dearly.)

You can't rediscover his sexuality for him. He has to do that for himself. I think no amount of communicating and trying to get him to please you by acting like he wants it is going to fix it. I will say for me, rediscovering myself as a sexual being was a huge gift and I'm so glad I got it, even though it probably is only because of my H's A. (Of course, rather frustrating at the moment.) But maybe reading the book will help. If he's open to reading it, I think it could maybe help him a LOT.

the other thing, reading about how frustrating these interactions sound... I might consider just taking a break for a while. Make an agreement of no sex and just take that pressure off. Another thing I felt (and I read about it in several books so I'm not alone in this) is that I started to feel like any physical touch was an invitation or a precursor to sex, which I didn't want, so I started to shy away from his touch. We got to a place (where we still mostly are) where we rarely touch. When we do, it is notable. Of course I don't want that anymorea and physical touch is my H's primary LL, but we aren't yet in a place to address any of that (if we ever will be).

But I just wonder if your H feels some level of pressure and relieving that by banning sex for a bit could help allow him to show you how he cares about you in other ways, without worrying it might lead to sex. ("worrying it might lead to sex" probably sounds strange to anyone who hasn't been the LD partner, but it is real). It could also help you to stop feeling you have to fake being happy when he gins up the energy to make a half-hearted move. Just ban all that $hit for awhile and see if you can connect in other ways.

((Alison))