Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

I know we've chatted before on this, coming from opposite sides on the SSM situation, and what you've written has been really helpful for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about both where I was (and I have felt all those things your H is saying he feels, too tired and not ready and I have a million things I need to be doing right now) and how my H must have felt during that time. I know for a fact my H felt some of the resentment you are talking about, both in the moment and long-term.

I think the fact you are able to talk about it without blame or it becoming an argument is really, really positive, I do. I think sex is so wrapped up in identity, especially for men, and the fact that he (who has trouble with this even on easy topics) can actually TALK about it without getting defensive or resentful or angry, blaming you for your bad timing or unsexy clothes or whatever he might come up with-- is really encouraging, from my perspective. I know I really didn't want to talk about it with my H and felt like there was just something wrong with me for not wanting sex, and kept pushing it back to be his fault for not being nicer or getting me in the mood or whatever.

Anyway, have you read Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are? It is focused on female desire and sexuality but talks about a new model of desire/arousal (not just the gas pedal but also what triggers the "brakes" for people) as well as the importance of context that apply to men as well as women. I think you'd find it interesting, and if your H was interested in reading it he would too. There are other programs out there (I think Pommy and her H were trying one recently) that all seem to follow a similar trajectory of cutting out sex for awhile, then starting non-sexual touch and moving really slowly to build physical intimacy without the pressure of sex. That could be an issue for him, too-- fear of performance failure that leads him into "impatience," so much attachment to a particular outcome that he is unable to relax and enjoy the process as much as being sure he checks off certain boxes, and maybe it is okay to be less outcome-oriented and just enjoy each other without a particular destination in mind ahead of time.

You might also spend some time thinking about what supports your desire and interest, not just his... when you talk about the resentment and his impatience, that you feel like it is a tradeoff between sex he is willing to engage in and sex you actually enjoy, and that can't be fun. Perhaps there are ways he can show you that he cares about your experience beyond just demonstrating enthusiasm that would help you to feel more desired as well.

As Yail has said to me-- don't write your future, yet. You have both come so, so far. This is just the next thing to untangle.

And finally as an aside, this:

than I am when he's pretending the reason he's such a miserable arse is because I have fictionally not cleaned the crumbs out of the toaster on a schedule he's imagined out of thin air.

had me totally cracking up. My H, in his snit phase earlier this week, ostentatiously cleaned out the toaster in front of me and made a bunch of comments about how "we" need to do better at this. Hahahahaha!