A day at a time

[may22]

Thanks so much SamCal, Sage, and Alison.

I know know know I chose this path, and maybe part of my frustration is frustration with myself more than with him. He's clearly not capable of being the H I want/deserve right now. The question is whether or not he can ever deal with his $hit and become that person again, and/or if I'm willing to slog through all this muck long enough to get there. Or if the muck will turn me off from wanting him at all, anyway.

I think part of what I'm feeling in seeing him act like this is hopelessness that he'll ever have what it takes to lever himself out of self-pity and figure out how to be happy. This is also so unlike him in all other arenas. It is just depressing and infuriating at the same time. I'm also starting to feel some of the anger towards AP resurface again, and I really really really want to get to a place where she truly does mean nothing to me, it isn't just something I tell myself. It just makes me sad that human beings can treat each other with so little care and respect. My H, of course, has acted abysmally. But she was a willing participant, too, all along, caring nothing for the damage their A could have on me or the children. It just is gross.

Sage and SamCal, what you both said was very much in alignment with my IC's appraisal of the situation. She said he's externalizing his depression and guilt onto me, this is just another mechanism for him to push off his bad feelings onto me and avoid taking responsibility for his own behavior and the consequences of them, including feeling like he's feeling right now. I need to simply not engage.

My homework this week is to not take responsibility for any of his stuff, whether his dishes or his emotions or his avoidance of child birthdays (Sage, I know you're right, i thought about that in the moment and then just couldn't let him off the hook on this one), and to simply leave the room if he starts to spew. (Alison, thought of you here and how excellent you were with this-- she said explicitly H is free to keep ranting to himself, but I don't need to be in the room.)

I have mostly done this. I slipped up once-- he was trying to fry chicken, spent a loooooong time preparing (he's never done it before) and then crowded every single piece into the pan at once. All the breading fell off, the temp dropped, and he got super frustrated, though he refrained from blaming me for it (I'm sure he could have come up with a reason). I helped a little-- suggested he take half out and do them in shifts, told him it still looked and would taste great-- and he actually calmed down and it all turned out fine. I know I could have walked away but I truly felt kind of bad for him in the moment.

And other than that, he's actually been much calmer and friendlier since I wrote my last post. We even watched a TV show together last night instead of one of us just going to bed early on our own. A friend came by for socially distanced drinks outside after dinner the night of the fried chicken event, which I think also provided a much-needed outlet for social engagement for both of us. Anyway, I'm weirdly disappointed I can't practice my disengagement with an angry H, but I've been doing well at practicing it with a more friendly H, at least, and avoiding any advice, engaging in any deep talks, and generally doing more stuff on my own than expecting we do anything together.

Alison, thanks for sharing your journey in terms of approval and fear of what others will think. I'm chewing on this. My knee-jerk is that it doesn't matter to me all that much what other people think. I actually feel like if I cared more about what other people thought I'd be gone. I'm more worried about what the future me will think. But, I also am still sitting with this to be sure that is really true and not something I'm just telling myself. I might go through the exercise of what it would mean to confide in another friend and see about that. I'm also just so glad to have this board and my IC. I'm going to comment on your new post on your own thread soon, I have some thoughts.

xx M