I think it is going to be a long winter too, Dilly. I am trying not to dread it, but just take each day as it comes - though I can't really do that perfectly yet and I do feel quite down sometimes.
And yes, H is easier to be around when he's actually just tired and depressed, rather than just irritable and angry and blaming. I can be nearer to that, and offer a bit more comfort and am willing to be kinder, than I am when he's pretending the reason he's such a miserable arse is because I have fictionally not cleaned the crumbs out of the toaster on a schedule he's imagined out of thin air.
There is still one point of difficulty that doesn't seem to be untangling, and that is how things are in the bedroom. He's not a great initiator and most of the time when I initiate (which he says he prefers, and needs me to do to show him I am willing) he turns me down. I do appreciate he is tired and stressed and try to be understanding about that. He doesn't like to be close like that in the mornings as he wants to get up and ready. He prefers not in the evenings as he is tired and needs time alone to unwind. And we are together in the afternoons less than once or twice a month, due to our schedule. I have asked for some compromise in this area, but I also don't want him doing anything he doesn't want to do and doesn't feel enthusiastic about. When he does initiate, I believe he tries to communicate great enthusiasm to reassure me he is actually wanting it and not just doing his duty, but his enthusiasm comes across as impatience - I am trying to be delicate - and I think I should either just accept his advances as they are, even though I need more time and tenderness than is on offer (as it is so rare he is in the mood to initiate) and I am also struggling with feeling resentful - 'I've asked you six times this month and each time you've said no and NOW you happen to be in the mood I have to just jump to it, do I?'. We have been able to talk this through without blame and without it turning into an argument and that is new and positive. But neither of us have any ideas about how to change things here. He can't pretend he wants what he doesn't want, and I can't really enjoy him doing his duty and also feel desired. Perhaps I need to accept that I am not desired in the way I want to be. But that feels like letting go of something that I really hoped we would be able to recover.
So if anyone has any advice for me in this matter then I would appreciate that.
