Thank you Deja, I wish you good luck and happiness too I wonder if the spouses who move on quickly to someone new make it easier or harder to heal and move on yourself? I suppose it depends on the dynamic.
I had a difficult day yesterday. H came back from overseas last week so I saw him twice when he came to pick up ds1 and drop him back a few days later (ds1 is off to uni this weekend) Both times I had to go for a walk with H and he whined and complained (his health, the fact that ds2 never answers the phone, life in general and his in particular). It was pretty depressing. I had a long chat with ds2 about him after he left and he thinks the same as me, that H is terrible company and boring and all he has in his life is his dog (and he does seem to shout at his dog a lot lol). I did tell him that his dad loves him and his brother, he just can't demonstrate love to anyone except his puppy right now. Ds2 said 'he's clearly having a terrible midlife crisis. It's not funny, it's horrible to watch'. I'm glad he understands, though I'm sure he finds it very hurtful. Ds1 won't discuss him, and I try hard not to say anything nasty about H and to be kind about him. So yesterday was difficult because I felt sad about H being so broken, I feel dread about discussing D, I feel sad about ds1 leaving home, and I feel a bit anxious about my new job and having to work out lots of new things. I think in the past I would have had all these feelings overwhelm me and not share them with anyone, but nowadays I reach out when I'm having a difficult time. I text my boyfriend or a friend or go for a run and talk with a friend and unburden myself. And then I feel better and ready to get on with things, and also feel closer to the important people in my life for having shared my feelings. I think being in counselling was useful for me to see that showing myself can be a way of getting closer to people, and I try to share instead of hiding my feelings. Doing that with my boyfriend is difficult but so far he's been there for me.
At the weekend H and I were sitting outside talking and H referred to himself as a single parent. Of his DOG! I was gobsmacked. Such a terrible thing to say in so many ways. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, I think in the strangest way he might have been trying to express empathy towards me for being a single mum (this is me being extraordinarily charitable). I didn't say anything, just changed the subject and later told my friends, who were astonished and said he needs help. I agree. Wow. I can't hate him when I feel this sorry for him. I'm so glad I don't see him often.
Ds1 is going to uni tomorrow, I'm driving him and all his stuff and H is driving himself and the dog separately. I organised somewhere for us to have lunch outside (because the dog, this thing rules every minute H spends with me and the kids, it's hilarious given he never took much account of the kids' needs when they were little, they had to fit round HIM. Oh, and when he takes the kids in his stupid convertible the DOG sits in the front seat and my giant teens have to sit in the back, talk about symbolic). I'm feeling sad about ds1 going but also very excited for him making new friends and having an amazing time. I'm getting on pretty well with ds2 right now, I take him to his activities and we talk in the car, it's nice and peaceful but we also have as much fun as we can given he's 15.
After the great send off I need to talk to H about divorce. I'm dreading it, but it's time. I've had enough now. I think if I waited for H to initiate I would be waiting a very long time! Things are still good with my new man. It's taking a while for me to trust that someone can treat me so well after the decades of being treated pretty shabbily by H, and it's still a work in progress. We see each other about once a week and our time together is both relaxing and fun. The opposite of what being with H was like. I'm really looking forward to going away with him, we don't get to spend extended periods together.
So that's my news, will update once I've had the D talk with H. Going to take all my courage, but I will be kind.
I wonder if the spouses who move on quickly to someone new make it easier or harder to heal and move on yourself? I suppose it depends on the dynamic.